Let me start off by staying that the very important underlying premise of any discussion on sex is that husbands and wives are to be lovers to each other. That means you are to love the other person, consider him or her in your actions and do what you can to make your sexual relationship safe, secure and pleasurable. If both people are comfortable with and mutually desire something, then it’s on the table. If one doesn’t, it’s off.  I’m not sure what part of forcing, coercing and pressuring your mate to do something they don’t like fits into being a lover.

Now, as for oral sex, there are people who claim that certain scriptures from the book of Song of Solomon speak about it. I am not certain whether they do or don’t, much of that book is written in very analogous, flowery and poetic language. What I can say with certainty is that I’m sure God wasn’t surprised by it. I can’t imagine that it never occurred to him when he created the first man and woman, gave them the garden to live in and the freedom to have a sexual relationship.  Surely He didn’t look at them and think, “Oh, My Self!  I didn’t think they’d do that!”

That being said, and also qualifying that this must be a mutually agreed upon activity, I want to put down some parameters. First, I don’t think oral sex should be in place of regular, normal, vaginal sex.  If you want to engage in it as foreplay, knock yourselves out.  Scientific studies have shown the greatest orgasms—those that have the most potent release of hormones and endorphins and the most powerful and lasting physical effects—are not from oral sex, anal sex, or masturbating, but from regular vaginal sex.  If you are fully capable of regular sexual intercourse, but consistently use other things to replace it, you are missing out on the best of part of sex.

What I have trouble with is people who think that oral sex (or anal sex, masturbation, fantasy and all sorts of other things) is the best sex. A word of chastisement here, especially for guys—it’s not just about what someone is doing to you that matters.  Unfortunately, many men don’t get this because they have had their minds polluted through pornography that is all about what the woman does to the man and how she services him.  Often men want their wives to perform oral sex because it’s what they see in porn images in magazines, movies and on the internet and think that it’s really great sex. It may be for him if he’s getting what he think he wants, but not too fabulous for his wife.  So how is that making love to her, being a lover to the woman, and mutually satisfying?

Another reason that so many men prefer oral sex over the actual act of vaginal sex with their wives is due to the imprinting they received during their first sexual experiences.  I’ve written previously about the power of imprinting and how men learn to key off their initial encounters. So if a young man’s first experience is lust-filled oral sex with a woman, he incorrectly learns that’s what sex is. He will imprint on that particular type of sexual experience and it will be what he desires and thinks he needs for sex to be exciting. A man will continually want to relive that which he was so aroused by at the beginning.

Many couples make the mistake before they are married of doing “everything but intercourse”. What they fail to understand is that they are sexually imprinting on this kind of activity. Then once they are married when they can and should be having intercourse, frequently the guy is still drawn to those initial experiences and would rather have his wife perform oral sex because that is what he is keying off. And , Lord have mercy, in this day and age in our culture where oral sex is the equivalent of a hand shake and teens and young adults don’t really qualify it as “real sex”, it is bound to have a huge impact on the future sex lives of these people.

Let me address those of you who need to supplement and do other things like oral or manual stimulation to reach orgasm. Some people just can’t get there through vaginal intercourse and I get that.  Often the problem is that people have trained their bodies through masturbation so they won’t respond to anything else. I challenge you to work at this and give it your best effort to retrain your body to sexual intercourse. Guys, stop the yanking on yourself and asking for oral sex. (It gives more pressure so guys frequently want that since it’s closer to the sensation created by masturbating.)  Give your body a chance to learn to respond to the softness, touch and pressure of your wife’s vagina.  It can be a bit difficult and frustrating at first, but also a lot of fun to relearn sex with your mate! Wives who masturbate, you need to knock it off too and allow your body to become responsive to your husband.  Even if you were in to self-gratification in the past but have stopped for a while, it can take some time and effort for your body to adapt to other kinds of stimulation.

Another very important thing to consider is that men truly need to resurrect the art of being a lover to women.  Learn how to touch your wife, what pace and pressure she needs. With a little effort, patience, and guidance from the lady, most guys can figure out how to arouse her.  But, at the end of the day, there will be people that oral sex is the only option to get to “the promised land”; or maybe for medical or physical reasons they just can’t perform the act of intercourse, and that’s fine to supplement when necessary. You can still have a great time and enjoy a fulfilling sexual relationship with your spouse and you shouldn’t feel badly for going to an alternate method.

So as a fun, playful, part of sex, and under mutual agreement—not to be the standard staple of your sexual diet unless it is necessary—oral sex can have its place. Unfortunately for many people, and for all the wrong reasons, it has become the centerpiece of their sexual repertoire, replacing regular intercourse, and often only satisfying to one partner.  In my opinion, that’s a far cry from what the sexual relationship should be in a marriage.

Divorce is common among people in churches today. Statistically, divorce is occurring among believers at the same rate as non-church couples—actually at an even higher rate than atheists! Christians are most often divorcing not because of an affair or sexual unfaithfulness, but for any reason under the sun—everything from “my spouse isn’t meeting my needs” and “he/she isn’t my soul mate” to “we just can’t get along”. Sometimes very strict churches will take a real hard line and say that you can never remarry after divorce or else it’s adultery. They maintain that you must live alone for the rest of your life, no matter the circumstances, even if a person divorced prior to becoming a believer. Undoubtedly, people have been hurt by that rigid stand.

If you read the bible, you’ll see that Jesus was actually very strong on this. He said if a man divorces his wife for any other reason but sexual unfaithfulness and she marries someone else, she commits adultery. That’s pretty strong. The fact that people apply that with no exception, even to those who made the decision to divorce when they were not believers, is pretty harsh. But that’s not the common practice in most churches today.

Most churches are not taking the extremely strict stand on divorce and remarriage. In fact, too many don’t take any stand. What I see as a bigger problem, and occurring more often, is that now you can get divorced and remarried for any and every reason—biblical or not. I think the casualness churches treat marriage with is wrong. People divorce their spouse, then they just move on to the next person and the church remarries them as if it’s no problem. To me it’s like a version of wife swapping and the church just smiles and thinks it’s no big deal. We’ve gone to the other extreme on this and it needs to be dealt with.

So when is remarriage adultery?

Remember, Jesus said remarriage in situations other than when sexual unfaithfulness has occurred, is indeed adultery. My question to churches is: When is that true for Christians today? When is what Jesus said ever true when it comes to the revolving door of marriage among believers? I’m concerned that there are so many excuses and exceptions that divorce and remarriage is not considered adultery in any situation. Today there are so many exceptions that we end up invalidating the very words of Christ. I do think adultery is a real deal breaker and the bible clearly makes accommodation for it. Other than this, I tend to be very conservative on this and in my church, but for a marriage that ended because of adultery committed against them, I will not remarry a person. (Unless it’s back to their original spouse, which I have actually done!) They can go somewhere else and find someone else to marry them.

What about…

People will come up with all kinds of scenarios and ask me the question, “What about domestic violence or abuse? Or alcoholism?” Look, I’m not God and everyone has to deal with their own conscience on this. But again, here we get into this area of excuses and exceptions. Do you really think there was no such thing as men hitting their wives in Jesus’ day? Then why didn’t he mention that excuse? Women say, “I’m divorcing my husband’s because he’s an alcoholic”. Do you really think people we’re alcoholics in Jesus’ day? Come on, we’re talking about over two thousand years ago when people were pretty barbaric. You think our culture is bad now? It was worse then! According to Jesus, there was only one excuse…that was sexual unfaithfulness.

Now, all kinds of people have been remarried in these types of “non-adultery” situations—do I think they’re all doomed? No. Are they supposed to divorce the new spouse because it’s not according to the bible? Certainly not. There is no way to go back and unscramble all the eggs, but I think as Christians the ideal is to follow God’s word, stop all the divorcing, and do it right in the first place. Then it wouldn’t even be an issue!

People make mistakes

I totally understand that people make mistakes, often times before they were saved and came to Christ. Then later they become born again, have repented, they are part of the church, and are serving Jesus. That’s a completely different scenario and of course God’s love and grace are greater than virtually any situation. My concern is that Christians use grace as a license to do what’s wrong and then they think, “God will just forgive me.” Yes, God forgives, but Paul writes in the bible and says we should not use grace as an excuse to do the wrong thing. I’m afraid that’s where we’re at in the church today.

A standard needs to be set

Truly, at some point, a standard needs to be set. I think churches have virtually no standard anymore and we need to start taking this very seriously. When you say “I do”, it means you did—till death do you part. We must realize that there is a biblical standard that has been ignored and it’s time for the Church to quit treating it so casually and answer the looming question: When is what Jesus said ever true? If we can’t even answer the question, we are in a really bad place.

My dearest Anna,

Perhaps you missed the title to the DVD series you were watching: “LAUGH Your Way to a Better Marriage”.

Please permit me to explain humor to you:

TRUTH plus EXAGGERATION with SURPRISE = humor

Allow me to dissect the portion of which you are in reference…

• The TRUTH is that sex outside of marriage is a bad thing and that condoms are miserable little devices that do not contribute to great sex and that they are unreliable anyway.
• The EXAGGERATION is that people who use condoms (since they are unreliable anyway) should wear more than one.
• The SURPRISE is that it is like “double bagging” at the grocery store.

The result, of course, is humor, which I believe is rather evident on the DVD by the explosive laughter from the audience.

I am not trying to give people the “correct information regarding condom usage.” I am trying to discourage people from having sex outside of marriage, saving them from having to use stupid condoms at all.

Another example would be when, in an attempt to explain the physical drain on mothers with small children and how it affects their sex drives, I suggested that men “hang a couple of monkeys from their testicles and see how they feel at the end of the day.” I don’t literally mean men should hang monkeys from their testicles. I am not even sure where one would go to find a testicle hanging monkey.

Relax a bit more and when listening to me, try not to be so literal.

Mark

Here is a news flash for you: God loves you but doesn’t give a rat’s butt what you think. He is not sitting up in heaven taking a poll on the public opinion here on Earth trying to decide if he should alter his rules based on what you or anyone else thinks. Seriously, I don’t think that God calls all the angels together and says, “You know, I believe we should make some changes around here. After all, Susan, Bobby and all these other people think that it’s ok to live together before marriage. Jane and John and their friends all think it’s ok to commit adultery because they really love this other person. Maybe we need to change our policies.”

God is actually God and he has thoughts, ways and standards that are His and His alone. He tells us in scripture what to do and how to behave, and your opinion on it is irrelevant. I don’t even care what I think because it simply doesn’t matter. The bible says “thou shall not kill” or “thou shall not commit adultery” and I never even consider asking myself the question, “But what do I think of that?” All that matters is what God says and what God thinks. I base my choices and behavior on pleasing Him.

On judgment day your opinion won’t matter because God is not going to go by what you thought of his instructions and commands. After all, it’s not like what God says is merely a bunch of suggestions to follow only if you like them, if they are convenient and work for you. For instance, the bible says Christians should meet together regularly. Yet you might say, “Yeah, I know I am supposed to go to church, but I don’t really think you have to. I think a person can follow God without actually going to a building. I think I can find God by spending time in nature or just praying and listening to CDs of sermons.” Who cares what you think? And by the way, you are wrong. God’s word is God’s word and what He says trumps what you think.

How about as Christians we start reading the bible and actually do what it says. It doesn’t matter that you think it’s not necessary to attend church or give money. You are wrong, because God says you should. He doesn’t care that you think it’s okay to commit adultery or divorce your spouse because you just aren’t happy. You are wrong. We are believers and our life and actions should be based on what the bible says—what God says. It should be our aim to please Him and make Him happy.

Here’s an analogy to help in understanding this: Let’s say you really want to please me. Maybe you’re trying to impress me in order to get a job, or get me to do something for you and you want to make me happy. Wouldn’t you try to figure out what I think, what I want and like and then act accordingly? I may ask you to bring me something to drink and the people who know me tell you, “Hey, Mark really likes hot chocolate—not cappuccino.” Now if you want to make me happy, then you’ll bring me hot chocolate. What would happen if you decided to bring me cappuccino anyway? I might tell you that I don’t like cappuccino, and if you reply, “Yeah, well, I know that, but I really like it. I think it’s good. Lots of people like it. There’s nothing wrong with it. This is perfectly good cappuccino so I brought it for you anyway.” I would look at you like you were crazy. You acted according to what you thought, but you didn’t please me. It wouldn’t work for me and it won’t work with God either. You must do what pleases Him.

People intentionally disobey the word of God just to make themselves happy and are insulting Him in every conceivable way. They want his blessings and do not make any connection between the way they are living their lives and the obedience God requires of us. I’ve had couples who are living together and having sex, sit in my office and ask me, “Pastor Mark, we have all these struggles and issues. Why isn’t God blessing our lives?” I explain to them that they are sinning and doing all the wrong things but they just do not get the connection. They rationalize and justify their sinful behaviors and wonder why things aren’t going well for them! Many people expect God to be there for them and meet their needs and bless them regardless of the fact that they are blatantly insulting His word and standards by doing all the wrong stuff.

I will hear people, who apparently know the bible, say crazy things like, “Well, I know the bible says such and such, but I don’t think that really matters. That isn’t really what it means. I don’t think God will hold us to that.” Talk about arrogance. Millions of people do this all the time and they actually believe that what they think is all that matters. There are others who truly don’t know what the bible says. If you are one of those people, you really need to read it to find out and then do what His word tells us to do. But don’t run it through your philosophy or filters. Don’t let the pop-psychologists, self-help books, Oprah, your friends, family or even some pastor tell you that what you think is all that really matters.

The bible tells us in Romans 12:3 “…Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment…” Be less concerned about what you think and more concerned about what God says. Learn what pleases Him and live according to His ways. As Christians we need to stop “thinking” about the bible and start obeying it.

Researchers say that one of the greatest risk factors for infidelity isn’t what is going on inside the marriage, but something that is outside. That risk factor is opportunity. The state of your marriage isn’t necessarily the greatest indicator of infidelity, so you need to be very careful. Far too many people make the mistake of thinking, “Our marriage is just fine. We love each other, we’re solid and it would never happen to us.” Then they let down their guard and don’t pay attention to the situations they allow themselves to be in because they feel like they are safe. It’s the furthest thing from the truth.

Your marriage is not immune. No marriage is. And it is especially critical that husbands and wives listen to each other when it comes to keeping an eye out for circumstances that could end up being nothing more than temptation and opportunity in disguise. Take for instance the wife who has a chance to reconnect with an old boyfriend via Facebook or some other social network. She may reason that she loves her husband, their marriage is great, she has no designs on any other man, and therefore it’s perfectly harmless and innocent. Even when her husband raises objections and says he doesn’t like it, she tells him that she’s totally happy in their marriage and he has nothing to worry about.

The work place is another area ripe with opportunity. Consider the husband who ends up spending a lot of time with a woman on the job. Maybe they have to be in meetings together or collaborate on projects. Perhaps they even need to have business dinners or travel together within a group of people. It seems like nothing on the surface, especially if his marriage is solid and he isn’t looking for anything by way of a relationship with this woman. When his wife raises a question, he tells her she there is no reason to be upset. He loves her and isn’t interested in anyone else. Yet, his wife may still be uncomfortable with the amount of time, phone calls, dinners, emails they share, even when he doesn’t see it as a problem.

Some people even tell the worried spouse that it’s their problem and accuse the concerned husband or wife of being crazy, jealous or insecure. Wrong! It’s your problem because you are creating an opportunity. Beware of the trap that comes simply from dancing too close to the flame. Most people think they can handle it and they won’t let it get out of control. Trust me—the majority of people who end up in adultery didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to have an affair. It is insidious and happens gradually when given the right circumstances and opportunity.

Don’t be stupid. Listen to your spouse because they are the voice that matters in situations like this. They often see things from the outside perspective that you don’t. When husbands and wives see circumstances are such that an opportunity is there, they need to stand their ground and tell their spouse, “No. I’m not comfortable with this.” Because as the saying goes “All it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to do nothing”. Believe me, if you do not put your foot down, if you don’t do something about it, the evils of adultery will flourish.

And know that the decision to walk away from an opportunity may cost you something, but it will never be as high as the price of losing your marriage and family. Maybe you have to let a business deal go, or even in extreme cases change jobs. It may be the inconvenience of going to the other side of town to use the gym or health club to avoid a situation at the one you typically frequent. You might have to forego friendships or change churches. Do whatever it takes to guard and protect your marriage. Opportunity can stand there and keep on knocking, but if you are smart and value your marriage, you won’t dare let it in.

In generations past no woman would have thought to ask these questions of her male suitor: Do you look at porn? Are you involved in self-gratification? Today in our culture when this type of behavior is rampant, it is absolutely necessary for women to have these conversations during the dating process. Not to say that turn-about is not fair play, because women can also be involved in this destructive behavior and guys can ask the questions too; but it is primarily men who are caught up in this plague. It may sound like I’m a bit of an alarmist to some, but it truly is a plague and we have yet to see the full impact of the devastation that lies ahead of this country because of it.

Due to modern media—especially the internet—boys are exposed to very sexually explicit and pornographic material at an earlier age than ever. Some reports say as young as 8-11 years of age and the availability and ease of access creates conditions where it’s quite simple to be pulled into the lure of it all. Combine that with sex education programs and experts galore all over the TV, internet, in books and magazines telling people that masturbation is normal, natural, good for you and that it leads to a great sex life, and we have a recipe for disaster.

The truth—and one which you will rarely hear anyone say—is that pornography and masturbation will ruin your sex life. Women dating guys who are into it have the right and absolutely should know if he is bringing this garbage into a marriage where it can wreck all kinds of havoc in the relationship. But if the “experts” are saying that it’s good for us, how is it that I can make such a statement? Because the proof is in the countless number of women and men that I talk to and get emails from telling me that their sex lives and relationships are suffering because of porn and masturbation. Because I hear of couple after couple where the guy (usually but not always) has no interest in making love to his wife but would rather just take care of his own needs. Because I continually hear the heartache from women who can’t figure out why their husbands aren’t giving them any kind of a physical relationship—that’s why I can say it. Far too often porn and masturbation are the culprits. And usually it’s been a problem since the guy was young.

Ladies, once you start getting serious about a guy you are dating, you positively have to look that man in eye and ask him straight out: “Do you look at porn and masturbate?” If he can answer easily and readily with an unequivocal “no”, good! He is worth keeping and building a life with—assuming everything else adds up in the marital equation for you. If he hems and haws, won’t look you in the eye, dodges the question or outright tells you “yes”, then you need to seriously consider dumping the guy. Even if he tells you that he has had issues in the past but is over it, tread carefully and really check this out. It still may not be a good idea, because this kind of old habit dies very hard and he may end up in the mess down the road and this time you’ll be dragged in too. Is the man truly past it? Is he repentant and clean from it for some time? Does he relapse or occasionally turn to it as a comfort, escape or to fill a void?

Too many people, men and women alike, make the mistake of thinking that it will be fine, it will all go away and won’t be an issue once they are married and having sex regularly with their spouse. But that is not the way it works. Men and women both train their bodies and minds to respond to a type of stimulation that marital sex—no matter how fabulous it is—can’t match. You simply cannot practice something day after day for years and think that it’s not what your mind and body will become used to. I hear heartbreaking stories of couples who struggle with one or the other not being able to even achieve orgasm in “normal” ways with their spouse. They just can’t get there without doing it themselves or without the aid of porn or appliances. Men and women who prefer to gratify themselves rather than have a sexual relationship with their spouse. That is just sad and it certainly isn’t great sex as all the experts promise.

We positively must get this message out to our young people. Adults need to realize that porn is not what it was in the days of pin up posters in your mechanic’s shop. It is so much more than that. It’s no longer “boys being boys looking at scantily clad women”. Parents, you need to talk to your kids and teach them that there is a danger to this stuff and damage that can occur, despite what they are hearing in the messages of this culture. Teach your young people before they go down a path that can ruin their sex lives in marriage and bring disaster to their future relationship. Boys need to stay away from it, and girls need to stay away from boys who don’t.

Women, more often than men, get hung up on this one and think they have to have all these warm and fuzzy emotions to feel like they can get physical with their husbands. I’m not saying that you always have sex with no emotion or connection–that would not be a healthy relationship. But what I am saying is that sometimes sex can just be sex. The joining together of a husband and wife to get close to each other, relieve stress, enjoy the release and just have a good time enjoying one another–no romance novel level of desire or surge of emotions required! Again, much of this comes from the media—with chick flicks being a huge culprit.

There are a couple of things that you must understand about Hollywood sex… first, it is not real; they are actors and they are being paid to act! Second, and probably most important, a very high percentage of the time (probably like 98%) movie and TV sex is not in the context of marriage—it is either extramarital because it is an affair, or it is premarital sex. In both cases the emotions and desire typically run very high and strong. I hate to break the bad news to you, but what Hollywood shows us is not real, everyday married sex. After you’ve been together for a bunch of years, not every time is going to be the “ground shaking, heaven bending down to kiss the earth, lights exploding from the sky and angels singing the hallelujah chorus” encounter! Yet that is exactly what so many people foolishly expect and require.

When we are talking about the emotional component of sex there are a couple of different situations to consider here—first time married sex and sex outside of marriage. First, when you experience sex in the early stage of marriage, you are typically filled with high levels of desire and emotional connection—that’s just the way it is. The buzz and rush are there because of the newness and excitement, and it should be that way. All that desire and emotion go a long way in bonding a brand new husband and wife together. The thing to know and remember is that it just doesn’t stay that way, and when you set that as your standard, you are in trouble. After awhile the honeymoon does wear off and you eventually grow into a stage where it is more of the safe, comfortable married sex that is still very enjoyable, fun and pleasurable. It just isn’t going to be the Fourth of July experience with fireworks and bombs bursting in air every single time.

But for people who experience premarital sex (which so many people do, though they should be waiting until marriage) or extramarital sex through affairs, it can become a real problem because the desire/emotion component is especially strong and potent due to the forbidden and naughty nature of that type of sexual encounter. Often men and women go from relationship to relationship, and move from one highly charged sexual tryst to the next. People actually condition themselves to the euphoria and the high level of desire and emotion if all of their sexual experiences are this context. Therefore, when they get married and the initial high and excitement is no longer there, they don’t want to have sex, think it’s boring or they go looking for that buzz elsewhere in an illicit relationship or pornography. It is another important reason why sex outside of marriage is such a bad idea.

Whether or not you start your marriage as virgins or have had sexual experiences outside of marriage, when you think the emotional rush that you feel in a new sexual relationship is the norm and then combine that with the nonsense of the media telling us what sex is “supposed” to be like, it’s a recipe for disappointment and difficulty. In a long-term, committed, marriage sometimes one or both of you will experience all those great feelings when you engage in sex, but it’s certainly not every time. If you become reliant and dependent on that desire/emotion cocktail, and if one or both ingredients are not there consistently, you’ll end up believing there is something wrong with you, your spouse or your love life.

The truth of the matter is there is nothing wrong. As I said, sometimes sex is just sex; it’s what you do when you are married. Just like cleaning the toilet is what you do to keep your house clean…and I bet you don’t have this great desire or huge emotional connection to scrubbing the porcelain! You do it because it needs to be done and that’s the way it is with married sex… it does need to be done! It’s the glue that God gave us to bond us to one another. The bible is very clear that it is your responsibility as a spouse.

Understand that there is no need for all this desire and emotion nonsense. Don’t feel badly if you aren’t overwhelmed by all the over-the-moon feelings and passion ahead of time. There is nothing wrong with you. If you can enjoy sex once you start and have a good time, that’s all that matters. Just break the mindset that you won’t do it unless you feel like it. Let not your hearts be troubled. Just enjoy the deal without all the fuss and worry over the desire and emotion. It’s actually a trap, that if you aren’t careful, you can get caught in and you, your spouse and your relationship will suffer.

Let’s deal with the desire issue first. The typical model says we first feel desire, then arousal, followed by the actual event of sex (intercourse)—but as I say in my Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage book and seminar, this is not true for millions of people! Many people don’t feel that great desire first and often don’t want to do it until they are actually doing it—then they are glad they did! Unfortunately, the misinformation that we have been given by so-called experts and the media in our culture has led most people to believe that both the man and woman always feel all this hot and heavy desire before they can have sex.

After all, that’s what TV, movies and novels portray—especially for women who are typically shown as provocative, chase-the-man-down vixens and then men (especially those into porn) wrongly expect their wives to be like that. On the other hand, many women who don’t have this overt, “clamoring-to-jump-in-the-sack” drive worry and think that there is something wrong with them, when it’s just not true. Most women have no problem having sex and are great lovers once they get started, even if they don’t act like the sex kitten, porn queen or “desperate housewife” that the media around us depicts.

What I hear consistently from couples is actually the flip side—it’s the men who have lower desire, lower sex drives and the wives are the ones who want to have more sex. Sometimes it is a physical issue or a problem with porn and masturbation, but not always. Some men are just wired to be low-key in the desire department. It can really mess with a dude’s head when he thinks there is something wrong with him because he’s not the red-hot Fabio or Don Juan type who is walking around in a state of perpetual readiness. Again, guys, if you don’t feel this rush of desire to begin with and your engines aren’t all revved and ready to blast off, don’t take that as a sign to mean that you shouldn’t have sex with your wife. More often than not, once you get on with it and you begin to engage your wife physically and you touch and connect with one another, those feelings of desire and arousal will come alive too.

People get so hung up on this desire thing. They feel awful if they themselves aren’t fueled by all this gigantic heat and passion, or they end up getting upset at their spouse and in turn make him or her feel horrible because, “You don’t desire me or pursue me! You never initiate!” Here is a word to you higher-desire people: Don’t pressure or demand a show of intense desire from your lower-desire spouse. When you criticize your husband or wife and expect them to be all hot and heavy and the initiator, it ends up making them feel horrible.

Seriously, we have to stop with all this nonsense. It’s just plain foolish and counter productive. Everyone wants to be wanted, I get it. It would be really great to feel like your husband or wife was dying with desire for you, but not everything is about what we want. There are lots of things that we want in life, but they just don’t always happen that way. I want to get paid and not have to work. I want to never have to pay taxes. I want to never have to clean the house or deal with dirty dishes or laundry. Who cares what you want!?

To have a successful life and marriage, you don’t live by what you want or feel. So don’t sit there never having sex, feeling bad about yourself or mad at your spouse because of what you wish they were like or what you wish you felt. In the words of Nike: Just do it! Try it! You’ll see, it will great and I bet you’ll both enjoy yourselves! And remember…it truly doesn’t matter who starts it or what your desire level is.

First of all, it is not intended to be some academic dissertation or highly instructional show on marriage… I mean, it is Jerry Seinfeld and Tom Papa and they are both comedians. They intended the show to be comedy. After all, there are some extremely funny situations that crop up in marriage. And who isn’t going to find some of the situations these couples are arguing about funny? A man who has his dead dog stuffed and wants to set up a shrine to him in their house; another husband who wants to put a stripper pole in their house but his wife is opposed; a woman who will only allow the family to use the dining room on Thanksgiving.

I’ve said it before, couples (including my wife and me) argue over the stupidest things! When you bring in a third party, it becomes very clear how silly some of these things are. Like it or love it, The Marriage Ref is extremely positive in that manner. In fact, it’s how the concept of the show was developed. Seinfeld says he and his wife were arguing over something ridiculous and a friend happened to be there. He asked her to weigh in and decide in favor of one of them just to end the fight. I suggest you get someone else involved in your situations. Don’t try to live in a vacuum and do it all on your own.

Papa also ends the show with a very pro marriage statement saying it’s “worth fighting for” and indeed it is! Most TV shows are anything but pro marriage so anyone who puts forth the positives can be applauded. Again, it’s not intensive marriage therapy, it’s comedy. And judging from the reviews, it may not be around long. But hopefully the idea of getting others you trust (not strangers or clueless celebrities) to help you walk out this often maddening and complicated relationship of marriage, will stick.

Now, I didn’t say that every time the guy gives his wife a little attention she needs to fulfill his immediate desire (as some readers assumed). Rather the intent was to explain why some men stop paying attention to their wives. If time after time a man gives attention, causing his desire for his wife to grow, and then she constantly stiff-arms him and pushes her husband away, the dude is going to stop with the attention. He will do it if for no other reason than to keep his arousal and desire in check and limit his own sexual frustration.

If you have read my book, Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, watched the DVD of the seminar or attended one in person, you have heard this. But for those who have not, here is some advice for men in the “attention = desire” department.

One important thing that men must understand is that they don’t need to have sex every time they feel the urge. Sadly, too many guys are like that. Whenever they feel the buzz of desire, they assume they must have sex and reach for their wife with such lovely and romantic sentiments as, “Hey, baby! Come here and help me out!” or “Ya wanna have sex?” Not the most conducive to romancing the girl!

What you men must realize is that when that desire stirs in you, it’s God’s way of reminding you: Be nice to the girl. Pay attention to your wife. Spend some time with her. By doing so, you drastically increase your chances of not being shut down later. So what if you don’t feel like spending time talking with her. Who cares if you don’t want to take her shopping? What difference does it make if you don’t like to go for walks with her? Seriously guys, you have to give to get. If you think that she is going to fulfill the desires of your heart—or loins as the case may be—when you give her little to no time and attention, you are simply delusional. Most women just aren’t wired that way. Find out what she likes, what you can do to fill her need for attention. Maybe it’s your time, your help, your conversation, your touch.

And, gentleman, may I also point out that not all touch needs to be of the sexual nature or the first step to “hitting a home run.” Sometime you can give your wife a hug and that’s it. Or try giving her just a kiss and then walk away. Do you ever simply hold her hand or put your arm around her? How about giving her a backrub and then let her go to sleep instead of trying to score! If every stinking time you touch her, the expectation is sex, it’s going to grow old real quick for your wife and she’s going to be hesitant to have you touch her at all.

At the end of the day, the fundamental problem for both men and women in this area is that as selfish, egocentric humans, we want what we want and don’t care all that much about giving the other person the things that he or she needs. Men want sex and don’t see why they have to jump through the hoops of putting any effort into giving their wives attention. Women want their husbands to pay attention to them, but don’t think that they should have to participate in sex to get it.

But what if God intentionally designed males and females differently in this area just to knock the selfishness out of us? What if it was the very purpose of this difference? It’s the perfect system to kill the self-centered nature in us, but most people don’t get it. They say, “I’ll only give my spouse what he/she wants after I get what I want.”

I guess you have a choice. You can sit there being mad and feeling bitter because “he won’t pay attention to me,” or “she won’t have sex with me,” or you can stop focusing on what you want and follow the words of Jesus when he said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” And don’t be surprised if once you stop worrying about what you want and actually start giving, you get back in return. Give and it shall be given to you… God’s economy is funny that way.