Most people think that the early stages of love—that chemically induced time of bliss and ease—will continue indefinitely. After all, they are “in love” and have found “the one” that will make the rest of their days as euphoric as the honeymoon phase.

But that’s not the way it works. The reality is this automatic phase is short-term (lasting six months to a couple of years) and when it fades away your marriage and your sex life must happen on purpose. You have date night on purpose. You plan to have sex on purpose. You make time for each other on purpose. Couples who don’t make the transition from automatic to intentional have marriages that suffer the most.

This is especially true when you become new parents. Now there is this new little creature that has come into your lives who consumes inordinate amounts of time and energy. Add another child or two and it’s easy to see how the auto-pilot can fly out the window. Couples start to struggle during this season of new responsibility because things aren’t as easy as they once were. They don’t have the time or they are too tired and often this is when husbands and wives will begin to think that the marriage isn’t working, or that it’s over.

This is a huge mistake to make. It’s not over, you just need to make the shift to being intentional in marriage and sex. In the real world and in the world of parenting the difference between couples who make it and those who don’t is intentionality. Parenthood means that your relationship doesn’t “just happen”, you make it happen. No one does automatic for a life time, it’s just not possible. Often when things change, people freak out. If pastors, mentors and counselors could get couples to understand and anticipate the change, to teach them to expect the unexpected, millions of marriages would be far better off.

I am a strong advocate for premarital education or coaching, yet it’s impossible at that time for couples to really grasp all they need to know about this crazy thing called marriage. It’s like trying to explain advanced mathematics to a drunk sitting in a bar! He may say, “Oh, sure I understand your theories and what you are saying!” when he actually has no clue and cannot possibly get it.

That’s why pastors and marriage mentors need to shift from putting all of their eggs in the basket of premarital instruction. Three sessions prior to the wedding just isn’t effective. They need to put in place a system of check points down the road when they get to the six month and one year marks. When the first child comes along or successive children join the brood, now you have the teaching moment and the information is going to be heard.  I recommend a yearly check-in for the first five years of a marriage.

That’s why it’s so important for couples to be part of a church where you can do life together…not just have a moment. The wedding ceremony is a moment, but marriage is a lifetime and we need to be there to help young couples do life right, to help them make this transition from automatic to intentional.

It’s like driving a slick modern car with smooth automatic transmission…pretty easy! But then you have to change and go to a manual clutch, like a semi truck with 16 gears, it’s still fun, but it’s not  automatic. You have to shift the gears to drive that vehicle on purpose. It’s still fun to drive the truck, just different. Likewise, marriage is still great, but when automatic stops and real life kicks in, you must learn to be intentional, spend time together, have sex and live life together on purpose.

When I grew up in the 60’s, young people rebelled against materialism and morality.  We said “Enough!!” and fought back against the establishment – an establishment we regarded as corrupt and clueless.  When it came to a war we thought unjust we chanted, “Hell no, we won’t go!!”  When it came to materialism we said, “We don’t want it!!”, and walked about with no shoes and holes in our jeans.  And when it came to traditional morality, we rejected it and gave ourselves to free sex, drugs and rock and roll.  It had an enduring impact on our nation.  And while the rejection of materialism was a positive reminder that there are more important things to life than possessions, the plunge into immorality has been devastating.

Today, four decades later, as I look at the Evangelical Christian Church (now as a pastor, husband, father and grandfather) I can’t help but believe we are in need of another revolution.  This time, however, we need a revolution among Christian young people – those who will go against the narcissistic thinking of their unspiritual Christian parents, a thinking that only leads to selfishness, materialism and a high divorce rate.

Our Christian young people are being destroyed today by a culture of sexual impurity – a poisonous trend that is not taken seriously enough by their clueless parents.  Our daughters rarely lay claim to being virgins on their wedding night and we have helped to produce an entire generation of young men who are porn addicts.  Our divorce rates are skyrocketing and, as a result, our grandchildren are being traumatized.

Sadly, biblical illiteracy is at an all time high.  As a result, most Christians are unaware that the Bible’s solution to sexual immorality among our young people is to simply encourage marriage (1 Cor 7).  But rather than obey the Bible, we have been polluted by a pagan culture that has convinced us that young marriage is a terrible thing.  Despite the fact that studies show the single greatest contributor to divorce is sexual activity before marriage, we foolishly ignore the dangers of sexual promiscuity and ignorantly treat it as no big deal.  “Don’t worry, Jesus will forgive you later…”  Rather than encourage purity, Christian parents encourage – no, they threaten their young people that if they marry too young they will punish them with all their strength: refuse to pay for college, refuse to pay for any wedding or even refuse to attend any such weddings.  These corrupted guardians, having been sufficiently polluted by the poison of the lust of this world, deliberately insist that their children first obtain what the Bible clearly warns them against: money, things, and the cares of this life.

“Don’t you DARE marry too young!!  You need an education first!! You need an established career first!”  Despite what Jesus taught, “You need to secure the cares of this life first and at all costs!!”

Follow Biblical teachings?  Ridiculous.

Make purity our highest priority?  Foolishness.

Serve God??  No way!!  Unless, of course, one considers money their true god.  In which case we need our education first.  Our careers first.  Our insurance plans and 401Ks first.  Our big house and flat screen TVs and BMWs first.  After all, we don’t want to offend the god of money…

Many Christian parents today have virtually zero concept of encouraging their children to put God first in their lives.  Are you kidding?! Most Christian parents don’t even tithe to their church.  Good grief, if we can’t even give a decent percentage of our money to God, why would we encourage our kids to put any effort towards putting God first in any other area?

Mormons put Evangelical Christians to shame.  Right out of high school, they encourage their young people to spend 2 years in service to God before pursuing their dreams.  Can you imagine an Evangelical church doing that?  Can you imagine the hell a pastor would pay if he encouraged the young people in his congregation to delay their plans and serve in the mission field first?  Delay college?!  Delay gratification?!!  Actually put God first?!!!  Outrageous!!!!

I fear most Christian parents today have been so poisoned – by the love of money, by the pride of life, by the cares of this world – that there is little hope of getting them to do the right thing concerning their young adults.  Most, if they were to read this post, would dismiss these thoughts almost as quickly as they could read them.  No, our hope does not lie in their potential enlightenment and eventual repentance.  Our hope lies somewhere else.  We need another revolution.  We need a revolution from the young.  But this time, rather than rebelling against materialism and morality, we need them to rebel against materialism and IMMorality.

This is not to say that earning a good income is not important.  And a college education may be the right path for them.  But the thinking must be God first, morality first, service first.  Besides, if there is one lesson people should be learning in the present economy is that certain career, savings, investments, and 401Ks are an illusion.  Better our young people pursue those things that can never be taken away from them or lost in a bad economy.

We need young people who will have enough of God in them to say “Hell no, we won’t go!”  “We don’t need all this stuff!!”  “We are going to take time and put God first.”  “Instead of losing our virginity and becoming porn addicts, we are going to marry young.”  “If you won’t pay for college, fine.  You won’t pay for the wedding, so be it.”  We need young people who will rise up and as respectfully as possible, tell their clueless Christian parents to “stick it”!  (Again, as respectfully as possible.)

Jesus warned that on judgment day many would say “Lord, lord…”, but will be shocked when he responds, “Sorry, I don’t know you.”  (Matt 7)  I can’t help but think that at the very front of that line will be 21st Century, so-called Christian parents who are more concerned that their kids make money than stay pure and honor God.

Jesus asked the question, “When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18) He never answered the question.

Will there be faith when Jesus returns?  I am not sure the answer will be yes.  Unless our youth rebel against their spiritually cold, materialist and morally clueless parents, I fear the answer may well be ”no”.

We need a revolution.

Many people make resolutions beginning January 1st to improve themselves and their lives.  Lots of us make promises to eat less and exercise more, or to pray and read the bible more and watch TV less. All good things…and they would be even better if we could actually stick to them beyond Valentine’s Day! But here is an idea for a resolution: Be thankful.

Let’s start by looking at an example from scripture of what being thankful actually looks like. In Luke 17 we find the account of Jesus healing the ten lepers. As most people are well aware, leprosy was a horrible disease at the time. It was incurable and caused people to be completely separated and isolated from everyone…including their own spouse, family and friends. Therefore, when these ten guys heard this man was healing people, they wanted in on the deal and made their way to see him crying out loudly for Jesus to have mercy upon them.

And Jesus did…although I’m sure they were quite surprised when he told them to go show themselves to the priests. Jesus didn’t pray for them, touch them, spit on them, or anything like he had in some of the other miracles he performed. I bet that wasn’t exactly what these guys expected. By the way, it’s a great lesson for us on how God often shows up in ways we least expect or understand. Don’t get discouraged and give up just because it’s not exactly what you want. Scripture says if you seek, you will find him…but it’s usually not when or how we think it should be.

So all ten guys went to see the priests and the bible tells us “as they went, they were cleansed” yet, only one of the men came back to Jesus when he saw he was healed. Only one praised God in a loud voice and fell at Jesus’ feet with thankfulness.  Were all ten thankful for their healing? Undoubtedly, they were!  They had just been given their lives back. Their death sentence had been pardoned and they must have felt extraordinarily grateful. Yet, Jesus commended the one who actually acted thankful by expressively showing the gratitude he felt.  Jesus measured who was thankful by what they did, not by what they felt.

The simple truth is this: We aren’t judged on what we feel, rather we are judged by what we do. American’s have a hard time with this and we deceive ourselves into thinking as long as we have good intentions, good thoughts, good feelings, then it’s all that matters.  As people of faith we must break out of this crazy thinking that says what you feel is more important that what you do. (Read the following posts for more on not living by feelings:
Jesus Was Not a Hypocrite,  Learning to Say No,  It’s Dangerous for Men to Follow Their Feelings.)

So as we head into 2012, really examine yourself. Do you show your thankfulness by what you do? If you are so grateful, let me ask you, do you attend church regularly? Do you give? Do you serve? If you are truly thankful, then show it by what you do. I hear from many people who watch our Sunday morning services on TV from Celebration Church. When I ask them why they don’t come to church the most common response is I don’t feel like getting dressed. Seriously!? Do you think that God is going to buy the “jammie defense”? Imagine standing before The Almighty and explaining to him that you were too comfortable to get out of your flannel PJs and get off the couch.  Remember, on judgment day God will measure what you have done, not what you felt.

Demonstrate your thankfulness by attending, getting involved in areas of service, by giving of your time and money. Too many people live by the line of thinking, “I don’t have to go to church, or give or serve because God knows I feel thankful.” Do you want to be like the nine guys who didn’t come back to show their gratitude to Jesus or do you want to be like the one guy who did? All felt it, but only one acted on it.

In the second chapter of the book of James, he asks the question: What good is it if someone claims to have faith, but has no deeds. Can such a faith save him? In America today, most people would answer “yes”, all that matters is that you feel it or believe it. But their answer would be wrong. James implies that it’s not enough.  He said it’s more than just believing—even the devil believes—and it’s not just about feeling. It’s about acting on those beliefs and feelings. We need to live out our thankfulness in our actions.

Some of us never say it and need to simply start there. Thank God. Thank the people around you. It won’t kill you to look at your spouse and say, “Thank you for all that you do.”  But then we need to go beyond saying it and actually do things to show our thankfulness…to God and to our spouses and families.  We need to be the kind of people who show it and constantly demonstrate it by what we do. John 3:16 says God showed his love for us by giving his son. It wasn’t just about his feelings or what he said, but also by what he did. Jesus didn’t stop at feelings of love for us, or saying he loved us, he demonstrated that love.

In 2012, let’s follow that example. Let’s not just feel or say we are thankful. Resolve to be thankful.

Now, there may be a variety of reasons for this. For some people, it is the first year since a loved one has passed away, which makes for sadness. Others experience the whole season being separated by many miles from their family and friends either because of job situations, military commitments or just because they can’t make it home for any given reason.

Some of the things that cause people to be unhappy at Christmas time cannot be helped and they are quite reasonable sources for sad or melancholy feelings. But many people are upset and stressed out during this season by their own doing. And by far, the largest culprit in this is unrealistic expectations of what they think Christmas is supposed to be like.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not a scrooge. I love Christmas and the whole season, but we must remember to keep it in check. People get so caught up in the hustle and bustle, the buying and spending, and the dreams and illusions of what the media tells us we must do and have for it to be the “perfect holiday”, that we lose the real joy that can be a part of celebrating the season.

First, dial down your emotional expectations. Realistically, keep in mind that the same kids who drive you crazy all the other months of the year will not become the angelic cherubs of fantasy just because it’s Christmas time. Your family—including your in-laws—that make you want to pull your hair out January through November won’t suddenly become the cast of “The Walton’s Family Christmas”. (Actually, they will probably be more like the Griswold family from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation!)

There is no magic Christmas snow with sparkling and glittery pixie dust mixed in that will turn your gatherings into something off a Norman Rockwell poster or a Currier and Ives greeting card. But fear not, just because the season is fraught with pitfalls, perils and problems, there is still greatness to be found and fun to be had.

Enjoy the insanity, laugh at the lunacy and keep a sense of humor about whole thing.
Like when your hot tub burns down on Christmas Day as ours did last year! For some people it would have ruined their whole day to have fire trucks and flames decorating their lawn…but we found it quite hilarious.

Second, scale back the spending spree. That alone will help reduce the stress for a lot of people. Don’t be blowing money like drunken monkeys thinking you have to buy everything for your kids or your family. Especially if you don’t have the finances to do it and you’re running up credit cards that you will be enslaved to for the next twelve months. That’s not exactly what people mean when they say you should celebrate the Christmas spirit year round! The financial stress shouldn’t haunt you for the entire year until you finally get it paid off—only to start the madness again next December.

Keep it in perspective; keep in mind the reason we are celebrating and what this season is all about. It’s not about the perfect tree, which kid has the biggest pile of gifts, or a family gathering so blissful that the “Hallelujah Chorus” is playing in the background.

Take a deep breath, check your expectations, and remember the very first Christmas. I know we romanticize and idealize the whole nativity scene, but in reality, it was not the most ideal of circumstances. This young woman had to try to sell the whole story for her pregnancy to her family and fiancé—who even wanted to leave her at first. I’m sure for months Mary faced the deluge of questions from the people around her as they didn’t quite buy the “an angel told me” story. Was there gossip? Shame? Ridicule? Then when the birth of the baby was eminent, Joseph and a very pregnant Mary traveled for days on a donkey just because some goofy government edict required it. On top of that, they couldn’t find any place to stay but a stable, and she ended up delivering the baby Jesus in a barn, filled with animal and stink and caca. (Most of us come unglued if we get lost on a detour on the way to Grandma’s house on Christmas Day! How could we have ever survived this level of inconvenience?)

Again, not the most glorious and ideal situation…yet the glory and love of God still abounded. God himself could not possibly have been any more real and present than he was in the midst of these unpleasant surroundings and circumstance.

So too, can your Christmas be filled with the love and joy of Jesus in the midst of the stink and caca. Remember, it’s not the ideal circumstance that makes for the ideal Christmas. Laugh and keep a sense of humor. Celebrate and enjoy your blessings. Be nice and love those around you. Even if your crazy cousin comes, the tree won’t light up, you don’t get all the presents you dreamed of, your kids argue and get on your very last nerve, your mother-in-law tells you for the hundredth time how to make a ham so it’s not so dry…or you ignite your hot tub!

Merry Christmas!

The other phrase that is repeated over and over again until it, too, has become accepted “doctrine” is “God loves you just the way you are.” Wrong!! God loves you in spite of the way you are!

He loves you when you are broken and in sin. He loves you when your life is a disaster, if you’ve committed adultery, are lost in addictions, or cheating and lying up a storm. It’s not that God doesn’t love you, he does… but he expects you to change.
We need to repent, to grow, to mature as Christians. But when people mistakenly say, “God loves you just the way you are”, what is either spoken or implied is the caveat that you don’t have to change.

Words have meaning and by using this oft-repeated phrase, we’ve created a generation of Christians who do nothing to please God, simply because they don’t think they have to. They think that God is there to please them.  Most think, “I said the prayer. I’m covered.” But they are still committing adultery, looking at porn, cheating, lying, and not going to church, or giving of their time or money.  After all, they believe, “It doesn’t matter what I do…God loves me unconditionally…just the way I am.”  It’s broken theology.

This maligned concept of Christianity is the very reason why so many marriages stink. Quite simply, people are taking their bad theology into their marriages, where they think there are no requirements, no consequences, and no conditions. They expect that the same “unconditional love” that they mistakenly believe God has for them applies in their marital relationship too.  The worst marriages on earth are those that one or both spouses buy into this broken thinking.

These are the marriages where women think they can have “boyfriends” and guys think they can have “girlfriends” that they hang out with, text message with, go to dinner with and they say, “No one can tell me who I can and can’t be friends with!”  The marriages where spouses will spend money, not pay their bills, not save for their kid’s college, because, “I want to buy a boat or spend it on a new wardrobe and nobody can tell me what I can and can’t do with my money.” These are the sort of people that stay out till all hours of the night and come home whenever they feel like it stating that, “No one is going to control me.” They demand that their spouse loves them without condition and are simply living out their broken theology in the home.

They reason that God loves them unconditionally, so the rest of the world must love them unconditionally, too. No matter how selfish and boorish they behave, there can be no conditions. Their spouse is to love them no matter what. They think they are passionate about God, they say they are growing in their faith when they are not. They are deceiving themselves.  All because they believe the lie that love is to be “unconditional”.

When we look at our marriages what we really see is a reflection of what our theology is and where our faith is. People think their marriage is a disaster despite their faith, but I argue it’s a disaster because of their faith.  Because their version of faith is “it’s all about me.” People like this think, “I want to be happy no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There are no conditions, I can do anything I want.”

Like the recent email I received about the guy who goes to church and praises God, but is mad his wife because she won’t let him have girlfriends. He was indignant that she would tell him who he could be friends with! How dare she do that! Why?  Because of his reasoning, “God loves me just the way I am.” Therefore, his wife should too.  Okay…you go with that, sir. Take that into eternity; see how that works for you. See if when you get up there God says, “I love you just the way you are, you don’t have to change.”

I’m afraid a lot of people are going to be in for a shock. Listen, I’m not being judgmental, I’m just telling you the truth. Your marriage reflects your theology and your faith. If you can’t live it at home, you can’t live it. If your relationship is suffering, if it stinks, check your thinking. It may be more about your bad theology than your bad marriage.

The bible doesn’t say anything about waiting for your soul mate to get married. It also doesn’t say anything about God having that one special person just for you…although people will argue with me on that one! What it does say is that we are to get or find a spouse—that means you don’t sit and wait for God drop one into your lap.  Check out my new DVD set Singles and Stinking Thinking: A Clear Path to Marriage for more information on dating and why I believe God does not have “a special one just for you”.

The only other clear directive to believers is to make sure that the person you marry is also a believer. (See 1Corinthians 7:39 and 2 Corinthians 6:14.) Notice that scripture doesn’t tell us to marry a person who simply says he or she is a believer.  There is a huge difference between the two, but in all honesty, most people don’t get that.

Far too often single people—especially women—will date anyone who claims to be a Christian regardless of whether or not they have any real evidence of action to back that report up. You are not a Christian just because you went to church as a child, or because you attend services on Christmas and Easter. Even sitting in church every Sunday doesn’t make you a Christian any more than sitting in your garage makes you a car.  There are signs that you need to look for when trying to evaluate a person’s commitment to their faith. And make no mistake, it is exactly what you should be doing during the dating process.

Does the person actually show the fruit of their proclamation of faith? Does he regularly attend worship? Is she actively involved in a local church body? How often does he read his bible, pray, or fast? Is she a generous giver who volunteers her time, money and also tithes? Or is this person someone who just stamps “Christian” on their life but is not living out the Christian disciplines? Are they impatient, inflexible, demanding and selfish? Do their behaviors reflect the heart of a true believer or do they act no differently than those pagans in the world around us?

You need to really look at the person you are interested in and honestly assess their commitment to self- restraint, denying their flesh, exercising sacrificial attitudes and a devotion to truly following Jesus. Check the fruit. Are they the real deal, or just some facsimile or counterfeit of a genuine believer? Far too often single people will jump into a relationship and get all emotionally tangled with another person who claims to be a believer but in reality, is living like total hell.

They don’t read the bible, pray, give to or even attend a church regularly. Some of these men and women may attend church but are out there living just like the heathens when it comes to dating by freely giving oral sex or fornicating their little brains on the first few dates. Clearly there are those who say they are a Christian, and then there are those that truly live as one.

Singles out there in the dating pool must be more discerning and less duped and dense when it comes to choosing the person they will be yoked to in marriage. Don’t make the common mistake thinking all that matters is what a person says in regard to their faith. This is definitely a time that actions speak louder than words, and you need to see their faith in action.

Or how about his one, I can’t act in loving and kind ways toward my spouse because I don’t feel full of loving-kindness. Maybe I feel nothing, or perhaps I feel anger or resentment.  I can’t possibly act like I want to be with her, or tell her I love her if I don’t feel love.  That, too, would make me a hypocrite.  Way too many people think that they must feel the emotions in order for it to be love. They say that without the feelings, it’s not love. Well, I’ve got news for you…based on this kind of stupid thinking and what people say, Jesus didn’t love us and he was a hypocrite.

Hang on to your horses and don’t have a cow…let me explain.  Love is not an emotion—it’s an action.  Your feelings may or may not line up with the actions you put forth.  In fact, when it comes to real, biblical love, warm, fuzzy, lovey dovey emotions may not exist, but your actions can still show love. If you believe you must have the feelings in order to love, you are flat out wrong.  Jesus proved it when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane heading toward his crucifixion.

Jesus basically prayed, “Father, if there is any other way…” In other words he didn’t want to do it!  He didn’t feel like it and he actually prayed to get out of it when he asked God to, “…let this cup pass.” But driven by love, not his feelings, Jesus put love into action and gave his life for us. Take note though, he wasn’t filled with overwhelming mushy, squishy feelings of love! Jesus did not pray, “Thank you, Father, for this great opportunity!  I truly look forward to this!  I’m totally excited about this and really feel like getting brutally beaten and crucified!”

On the contrary, he didn’t feel like it, didn’t want to do it and was praying to get out of it. But he laid aside his feelings and said, “…not my will, but yours be done”. Driven by love, void of any good feelings (How good can you feel being whipped, beat, crucified?), and as evidenced by the sacrifice…he acted in love.

Are you getting the picture? What you feel isn’t a valid measure of love. If it was true indicator, then—according to most people’s definition of love, the definition that says you have to feel the right things or it’s not love—Jesus didn’t love us.  Of course that is patently absurd! Jesus demonstrated the greatest love imaginable— and he did it all minus the emotions we associate with love.  We have a record of his prayer and Jesus didn’t feel it! He didn’t want to do it, but he did it anyway. At a great personal cost, laying down his very life for love.

It was a feat that none of us will ever come close to in our lives or marriages. We will never be asked to give that kind of sacrifice for the person we are betrothed to. Yet, we whine, complain and act like it’s going to kill us if we have to exercise basic politeness or common courtesy to our spouse when we don’t feel overwhelmed with the rapt desire of emotional love. When we have to be agreeable or helpful or heaven forbid meet the sexual needs of the other person, or give selflessly to the one we stood before God and pledged to love and cherish, we often refuse to on the grounds that we don’t feel like it.

To all of you who think you have to feel the emotions of love or you can’t act in loving ways, to all you people that believe you have to follow and live by your feelings or you are a hypocrite…I say shut up with that nonsense!  I don’t care what you feel.  What you feel doesn’t matter! So many people want to “feel” in love all the time and if they don’t, they bail on their marriages. Too often the commitment to act in love isn’t enough for them.

Well, to my way of thinking, the presence or absence of feelings means nothing. It meant nothing to Jesus. He didn’t rely on having the right feelings in order to do the right thing. It didn’t make him a hypocrite either! If it was good enough for Jesus and if it’s the example he set for us, then it should be the kind of love that we, as Christians are willing to demonstrate at our jobs, with our neighbors, in our families—and especially in our marriages.

As parents, if you believe that talking to your kids one time is enough, you are dumb as a brick! It shows how just backward we Christians are in the area of sex education that we’re still thinking in terms of “the talk”. Your kids are bombarded with thousands of negative impressions, misinformation and straight-up lies regarding sex every single week of their lives. If you think that one conversation with you is going to counter all of that, you are sadly mistaken. Now, the good news is because you are the parent, you don’t have to go one-to-one with each message your kids take in. You have far greater influence than the world around and your voice carries more weight. But what you must do is capitalize on the teachable moments over and over again.

Unless you live in an absolute bubble, you will have constant opportunities to discuss all kinds of aspects of sex with your kids. If you take advantage of them, I promise you will hit nearly every topic necessary from erections and menstruation, to birth control and intercourse, and won’t have to save it all up for one gigantic talk where you think you have to fill your kid’s head with everything you can conceivably think of.

Keep it age appropriate of course, but when you are watching a movie or a TV show with your kids, (even the commercials are rich with opportunities) hit the pause button and stop to talk to them and ask questions. Instill your values as you go along each day. Here is an example: Last year during the Super Bowl Pepsi ran an ad where a couple was sitting in a restaurant on a first date and it showed what each of them was thinking inside their own heads. The woman’s thoughts were, “I wonder how much money he makes? I wonder if he loves his mother? I wonder if he’ll lose his hair? I wonder if he wants kids? I wonder if he’s the one?”  While the glimpse into the guy’s brain showed all he was thinking was, “I want to sleep with her! I want to sleep with her!  I want to sleep with her!” over and over again.

Now there is a perfect moment to stop and talk to your teenagers about sex, dating, waiting for marriage, the difference between what males and females, and a whole host of other topics. But be smart…pick and choose the moments and don’t make it into a three-hour lecture! Trust me, you will have many more opportunities. Keep an eye out for those teachable moments to talk about all things like the changes during puberty, values and morals, pornography and sex, dating and marriage, and the list goes on and on.

It doesn’t have to be just what you see on TV either. See what comes up listening to music, checking out articles online or in the paper, what people post on Facebook, even what is going on all around you as you live life. Things like how girls are dressed when you go to the mall, teens making out at the park, the situations that you know of with their friends and family or other kids in their school, and most certainly what they are learning in school in terms of sex education are all talking points for you as parents.

And you dads should be engaging your children in these conversations too. Do not leave it up to mom to be the one who instills the values and teaches the kids about sex in your family. Your sons and daughters need to hear it from their fathers. Every study out there shows that the father has the greatest impact on the moral and sexual behavior of their kids.

The ongoing discussions that you have with your children will yield far greater results than storing it all up for “the talk”. You will be more comfortable with it and so will they. Plus, you will be doing a much better job of countering all that the culture throws at them if you address it on an ongoing basis.  Tampon commercial on TV? Perfect time to talk about the monthly cycle. Son wakes up with an erection in the morning? Now is the time to address that. Pornography comment or joke made in a movie?  There is your golden opportunity.

Pay attention, be aware of what’s going on, be an engaged parent who keeps the constant conversation going with your kids and they reap the benefits.

I’ve been asked several times over the past several days what I think about the whole issue of Pat Robertson’s comments in regard to divorce and Alzheimer’s. I did address the actual story on the September 20th episode of my radio show. If you are so inclined to hear what my take was, click here. I won’t go into detail here in this post, but what I would like to comment on is the outpouring of responses that Christian people all across the Internet and media world put forth.

Huge numbers of people—both believers and non-believers—have been in an uproar and it’s created quite the firestorm of controversy. First, over Robertson himself, and second, about how awful, heartless and cruel someone would be to divorce a spouse in the throes of a terrible disease. Yet, I would guess that it is many of these very same people who condone and advocate divorce in circumstances far less trying than Alzheimer’s. Does anyone else see the inconsistency here?
READ THIS VERY CAREFULLY:  I am NOT advocating divorce in the cases of Alzheimer’s. I am NOT saying it’s okay to dump your spouse and find another. I DO believe that the marriage vows we take say we are in this covenant for better or worse, sickness and in health, till death do us part and that we don’t get a free pass just because a disease like this is, in Robertson’s words, like a death.

I do find it extraordinarily ironic that so many Christians are up in arms over this example, yet so freely endorse divorce for reasons like I’m not happy, my needs aren’t met, we’ve just grown apart, and we’re not in love anymore. (Studies estimate that 60% of all divorces occur in low-conflict marriages where there is no infidelity, abuse, addictions, etc.)  Silly, stupid, ridiculous reasons that people in churches give for ending their marriages every single day. Funny, it doesn’t seem that anyone is rushing in to make a big deal made about those divorces. There is no backlash in the Christian community decrying the cruelty to those husbands and wives, or to those children who are being abandoned.

Apparently, everyone who is shouting out the callousness in this case can very easily see how heartless it is to divorce a sick woman. (Now track very, very carefully with me here. Again, I am not saying it’s okay to leave a sick spouse. It is not okay.) But the truth is in a case like the example Robertson spoke of, she doesn’t know. She doesn’t know her who husband is anymore, or that he’s not there. She’s not going to suffer the emotional heartbreak over this. The children in this family would be older and could possibly see and understand the situation for what it is. But what about all the Christians who divorce and leave spouses and kids who do know what’s happening?  What about the innumerable wives, and children who are small or teenagers and are very well aware of the pain and suffering that comes as a part of dad moving on. (The reverse is also true when the wife is the one divorcing her husband.) Doesn’t anyone see the cruelty in that? Where is the rallying cry for them?

Do you see my point? Why is the example in Robertson’s case such an atrocity, while the many instances of church-goers abandoning their spouses for any reason under the sun given the stamp of approval?  Scores of Christians think, “God wants us to be happy, He doesn’t want me to stay in a marriage where I don’t feel loved or my needs aren’t met. The kids will adjust and be okay. I deserve to have a better life than this.”  Isn’t that all the man in the Robertson case is saying? Isn’t he just saying what many Christian couples say every day? Then please explain the difference to me.

Can we take a moment to really examine how gravely inconsistent the thinking is on this issue? I have yet to come across any blog posts, articles, or editorials that even touch on this viewpoint of the whole Robertson brouhaha. Maybe they are out there, but I just haven’t stumbled upon them. Why is it that this Alzheimer’s thing is causing people to have such a cow? Because it seems cold and selfish to walk out on a woman who has lost her mind?  Well, to me it’s cold and selfish when you walk out on your wife and kids who do still have their minds and are left reeling in the pain and disillusionment of a divorce. Yet far too many people don’t even bat an eye at that.

Seriously…how double-minded can people be?

I frequently hear young couples say things like this: “We’ve been dating for three years but we just can’t afford to get married yet.” “I’m just not ready to settle down.” “I want to complete my education and get established before I think about marrying.” Why in the heck are you even dating to begin with?

If you want to finish college and get a big job, if you think you don’t have the money to marry or believe you are too young to commit or settle down, if you don’t think you are “ready”…then why on earth are you dating?  Because while you are out there meeting some nice girl and falling in love with her, while you are growing closer and giving your heart away to that great guy—all the time not thinking you will marry for another four or five years—your emotions and hormones are thinking otherwise.

Again, if both you and your girlfriend think you need to finish college, if neither have a job or an income at all, if you’re both living off your parents at their house and this is what your status is going to be for the next seven years, then you are right. You probably can’t afford to get married. But then you shouldn’t be dating either. That is if you are intending to do life right, to date and marry according to what God’s Word says in scripture.

I know this is very counter-cultural, but remaining pure prior to marriage should be of utmost importance to Christian men and women—young or old. Sadly, it’s not. What is of the utmost importance to far too many is money and careers, having a house and car, achieving, attaining and acquiring things. So they sell out purity and righteousness for financial security and creature comforts. They date for four, five, six, seven years and end up having sex with the other person, defying the plan of God for marriage simply because they “can’t afford” to follow His way and get married. Really?  Good luck explaining your reasons to God.

My general rule of thumb on dating is this: If you can’t see yourself marrying in the next 18 months to two years, don’t date. Dating should not last more than a couple of years or you will, most assuredly, end up in sexual compromise…. which by the way is the single greatest indicator of marital success. Couples who are virgins when they marry have a fraction of the divorce rate compared to those who were sexually active prior to marriage. (See the following article for studies that show this:  Premarital sex and divorce: Is there a link?)

So if you can actually fathom the idea that you don’t need to spend years of your life partying and experimenting sexually, if you don’t need to have a 3000 square foot house with an SUV in the driveway and five flat screen TVs first, if you actually think that starting out with little and building a life together but doing it God’s way by saving yourself sexually is the best way to do things, then great. Go for it! Date smart, look for character, find that person you want to have a life with and get married.

If the partying, the education, the career, the money, the material stuff all has to come first, then why date? Dating is about marriage and if you aren’t serious about marriage, don’t do it!