In previous blog posts, I wrote about the power of “sexual imprinting” and how “sex can make you stupid”. But as I keep hearing more and more stories of couples who are having troubles when it comes to their sex lives, I’m convinced that we are clueless about the ramifications of sex done the wrong way instead of the right way—God’s way. We have to start connecting the dots, folks. How you behave sexually outside of marriage has an impact on sex inside your marriage. It’s an important message that we must get out to our Christian young people.

Dr. Kenneth Ryan has written a great book titled, Finding Your Prince in a Sea of Toads. I highly recommend it for all single women and for parents of teenage girls. The book explains how to date the right way in order to “find a quality guy without getting your heart shredded”. A large portion of it is dedicated to telling young women how handle themselves when it comes to sex and the importance of doing it right prior to marriage.

Dr. Ryan draws a brilliant analogy that drive home the point of how illicit sex has consequences:

In a classic ridiculous movie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, there is a scene in which a supposedly horrible beast is guarding a cave. The knights have heard horror stories about its ferocity, having been told, “It has long claws and horrible fangs. It is a hideous monster,” so they approach the cave with great fear and caution. But all they see is a little bunny hopping around in front of the cave. “It’s just a bunny,” the first knight says in a British accent filled with derision. He approaches the cave casually and the bunny leaps to his throat biting and killing the knight. More knights follow and are slaughtered by the fake-looking killer bunny. It is a classic moment in movie comedy.

Sex outside of marriage is like the bunny. It looks like a harmless, fuzzy thing that you would want to cuddle. It looks warm, friendly, and desirable. People who warn against the dangers of sex while single are usually considered radical nuts, out of step with modern times. The derision is similar to that of the knights just before they were slaughtered. Many people hear the warnings about premarital sex and think they are not susceptible to its powers. You are surrounded by movies, magazines, TV shows, and friends who all deal with dating sex as if it is a harmless little fluff ball, nothing but fun. Any negative consequences are ignored or laughed at. Everyone seems to think sex is “just a little bunny” until it is too late.

Far too many people have fallen prey to the fuzzy little bunny of sex, not thinking that it can actually do a ton of damage. This isn’t about condemning people but rather, we need to teach and warn others…especially our young people. You have to talk to your kids and warn them of the potential damage they face and the probability that they will impact their future sex lives when they become sexually active outside of marriage.

People who have had several partners, had all kinds of sexual experiences, used pornography, gotten into masturbation, or ventured into homosexual behavior, etc. have all sorts of imprinting and images stuck in their heads. There are memories and associations in their minds from all they have seen and done. Often people ask me, “Pastor, how do I get rid of these things so that my spouse and I can have a normal sex life?”

Now, this will really depress a lot of people—not that I’m here to depress you all—but the truth of the matter is you may never get rid of these images or feelings. One of the problems we have in Christianity is that because we believe in healing and restoration, people live casually. They think that what they do won’t matter because Jesus will heal it all and make it okay.

The reason so many churches don’t speak out about sexual sin is because Christians think it’s not big deal since once you get saved and ask Jesus to forgive you He’ll just heal it and it will all be gone. But that’s simply not true. Those of you who have been down this path, have you noticed the pictures never go away? You may be serving Jesus for 30 years and be living as pure as the wind driven snow, but sometimes you might be having sex with your spouse and you’ll still remember having sex with someone else. There are woman and men who love their husbands and wives deeply. Yet, if they are honest, they’ll admit that those thoughts still intrude into their minds even years later. They still remember it. A sound, a smell, a touch can all trigger a memory or an image in your mind. It’s not something you can just do casually without repercussions. This is why the bible says don’t do it.

Paul warns us to flee from sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 6:18 because “All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” What he is saying is that you hurt yourself, you sin against yourself and there is damage done to your own mind and body when you do this.

When you go down this path it’s going to be harder for you and at some level, you may struggle for the rest of your life. There is no magic formula or pixie dust or special prayer that you can say to make the residual consequences disappear. I know that people get upset when I say this, but it’s true. It’s like if you commit murder and then repent and ask God to forgive you, He will. You can even ask the victim’s family to forgive you and they will…but you still have to serve your time in prison. Why? Because even though there is forgiveness, there are still consequences. You can ask God to forgive you of your sexual sin and in your standing before Him, it’s like it never happened. But in your body and in your mind there are consequences to that sin.

Scripture tells us we can renew our minds and take our thoughts captive and that is what people who have done these things have to do. Again, I’m not condemning people but trying to point out the importance of telling your kids and our young people about this. They need to know this is a big deal and that they can’t casually have sexual experiences before they’re married thinking they will just forget it all when “the right one comes along”. You don’t forget it. You can be haunted by the images and the experiences for the rest of your life.

Sexual experience are highly imprinting even if you are not serious about it. Your brain and body don’t know that it “doesn’t really mean anything” and that you aren’t serious and just messing around. There is hope and you are not doomed, but it will require a lot of intentionality, a lot of resistance, a lot of energy fighting the thoughts, feelings and temptations because of your past. You can heal and have a meaningful life, but there is no magic wand to wave to make it like it never happened. People who don’t go there, the ones who do sex right in the context of marriage, don’t struggle with these things.

That is why churches need to talk about this. We should all be driven to teach the truth and quit giving the picture that Jesus will just make things all better…especially those who have been down this road and know what I’m talking about. We must start connecting the dots and realize that sex is very powerful and it’s a really big deal outside of marriage.

Remember the analogy…it’s not just a bunny.

But then you get these two me, me, me people together and something has to give. Marriages where couples are able to make the transition from selfish, me-centered thinking, the ones where the husband and wife realize that they can’t get everything they want, are the ones that make it. The marriages where couples can’t do that…and many people don’t…are the ones that fall apart.
It’s amazing how many emails I receive from those selfish spouses asking, “How can I make my spouse___________? Fill in the blank with whatever fits.

How can I get my spouse to load the dishwasher the way I want?
How can I get my spouse to do the things I want to do?
How can I get my spouse to keep the house better?
How can I get my spouse to spend less money?

Chores, money, time, attitude…the list goes on infinitely. They may use other words like “get”, “change”, encourage”, “teach”, etc., but the real idea is how do I make my spouse do what I want? These are the people who have not made the shift from the me, me, me and I want, I like, I need mentality to a sacrificial, giving, putting the other first, we way of thinking.

Listen to me. The bottom line is that you can’t make anyone do anything. People will complain that their spouse doesn’t clean the bathroom the way they want, or fold the clothes, or hang the towels, or wash the dishes, the “right” way…which is code for my way!

I’ve got news for you, The Furor, Your Highness—she’s not your slave; and he’s not your slave! Stop being a narcissistic snot! Not everyone gets everything they want. If there is a specific and certain way that you just have to have things done and you don’t like it when your spouse fails to meet your standard, the answer is simple: You do it!

There are areas in our home that I am pickier about, like my office, so I am the one who cleans it.  In other areas, it’s my wife who wants things done in a certain way, so she takes care of that. What we don’t do is argue and insult each other all the while insisting that the other person does it my way. I either shut up and let her do it her way, or I do it myself if it’s something that want to have done just-so.

Sometimes you have to give, compromise, do it yourself and hush up. If you constantly fight to win, dig your heels in to have everything exactly the way you want it, when you want it and how you want it, you will lose, but not in a good way.

Sometimes you just have the mentality that “I get to lose.” Deliberately choose to lose. Lose your selfishness, your ego, and your right to be right all the time. Ironically, losers win and winners lose in this one.

For more great insight on this subject, check out Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s blog Marriage is for Losers.

–“ I was so busy with raising children and I didn’t have much time for sex but now that we’re empty nesters my husband isn’t really interested in pursuing our sex life. How do we get back to the way it used to be?”

–“My wife was sexually active with other guys before we married and it has really impacted our life now. What can we do to overcome her past?”

–“I divorced and remarried a man who was also previously married and we are having issues dealing with the blending of our two families. How can we make this work and just be a normal family?”

These are all questions typical of requests for help that I hear. What they, and so many others, are really asking is, “How can we fix it and make it like it used to be?” People are looking for the solution that will erase the consequences of actions or events so that everything will go back to the way it was before.

One of the things that I do a lot is warn people rather than supplying solutions.  “Don’t do this. Don’t go there. Stop it!” There are things you can do to help improve such situations or deal with these kinds of consequences in your marriage, but they are more patches than solutions. That’s why I spend more time warning people not to go to hell than I do helping them try to find an air conditioner once they get there!

Again, there are patches or solutions to some degree, but that’s not really what people want. What they want is for everything to be fixed and changed as if it never happened. Now in Christ we have that. The Bible tells us “though your sins be as scarlet, they will be as white as snow”(Isaiah 1:18). When you are redeemed it is as if it never happened in your standing before God. Period. But what many people don’t understand is that even though it is erased in God’s eyes, there are still consequences.

For instance, if someone commits murder, they can pray and ask God for forgiveness and ask the victim’s family to forgive him or her, but they are still going to jail. There are consequences. And that is what people don’t like. What so many of us are looking for is a version of Christianity where they can have a consequence free life and it doesn’t work that way.

Because we believe in healing and restoration, we live casually and don’t take life seriously. Young people think, “I shouldn’t steal, lie, drink or do drugs, and fornicate… but if I do, God will forgive me and it will be as if it never happened.”  Somehow we think Jesus will fix everything and we live too carelessly.
If you really believe that it didn’t matter what we did, that God could always fix it all, wouldn’t you let your kids do whatever they wanted…like play on the roof?  Can God heal him if he falls and breaks his bones? Yes. Are there scriptures that say God heals? Yes. But would you really let him play up there? No! We don’t let our kids touch the stove, drink Drano, or play in the street. If it were really true that you could live carelessly and it didn’t matter because God would just fix it all, then none of us would worry about what our kids did. No one thinks that way when it comes to parenting, yet in other areas, especially when it comes to marriage and family, many people do live very casually.

They think, “I’m not happy with this spouse so I’ll just divorce and get a new one that makes me happy.” Then they think Jesus will make all the previous stuff go away and it will be just like a brand new, first time marriage. I know that there are testimonies of people who have divorced and remarried and they say that it’s wonderful and everything is as good as or better than the first. But that is the exception, not the rule…and of course everyone wants to be the exception.

At some level the wonderful testimonies become damaging because they lead people to believe that it doesn’t matter what you do because God is just going to fix it all. If you heard a testimony from a parent whose child drank Drano and God totally and miraculously healed and saved their kid, would you just let your kid drink it?  Of course not, because we know that it is probably the exception and not the rule. The rule is that there are consequences that we are stuck with as a result of our choices and actions.

And it’s a very good thing that there are. Consequences are the very thing that keeps us from living lives of total chaos.  Every married couple experiences the days and moments that are trying and filled with problems. If people knew they could just trade in the old model for a new one and have no repercussions, lots of people would do it!

If I could dump my wife, not hurt my kids, if my ministry would stay the same, if I would still garner the same level of respect, and then marry the next woman with no consequences, I’d probably be on my fourth wife by now!  If I could do whatever I wanted and just say a prayer and have God make it as if it never happened, I would live very casually and foolishly. It’s the consequences that keep us in line. Because the reality is, it wouldn’t be the same. I’d have no credibility, I’d lose everything, there would be huge consequences and a very heavy price to pay.

Yet people constantly live as though that price isn’t real and that there must be something that can do to make it like it never happened. Let me tell you, there isn’t a fix that can do that.  (Despite the testimonies that say differently.) There is no conference you can go to, or book to buy or prayer to pray. No one can anoint you with special oil so say some super holy prayer that will erase the consequences of everything.  And even if there was and if I had it, I wouldn’t tell you!  Because all it would do is green light people to do whatever selfish thing they wanted to do.

It would do nothing but give wives the license to leave the husbands they are mad at, or for guys to find the next younger wife with the better body and start over again. Adultery, fornication, sexually starving your spouse, using pornography and masturbation would all be ok… because it would be totally fixable and wouldn’t matter.

But it matters and that’s why you hear the warnings from me and not how to fix it. You don’t fix it or undo it, you adapt.  Is there forgiveness? Yes. Can I share with you how to cope and adapt? Yes. It’s not hopeless and you can find ways to work with and around the consequences, but we need to be careful how we live. I cannot give you the secret potion on how to make it like it never happened and remove the consequences.

I know one of the criticisms that I get it that I give more warnings than fixes, but I’m trying to keep those people who haven’t gone there from stepping off the cliff into the abyss…hence the reason for my warning! They need to hear, “Don’t go down this rat hole!  There are consequences and it won’t be like it was before. You can’t always fix it! Don’t do it!” Again, I stress, there is forgiveness, you can adapt and make something out of the trials and live beyond or around the consequences, but better to do it right in the first place.

Can you be happy in marriage? Absolutely. But the people who are successful and happy in their marriages are not happy because they are married. It isn’t the marriage or the person they are married to that makes them happy. They are happy and fulfilled in life apart from their marriage.

The reality is if you are looking for a man or a woman to make you happy, if you are looking to marriage for happiness, you are barking up the wrong tree. The answer to your happiness isn’t marriage. The answer isn’t another person. Some of the loneliest and most unhappy people on the planet are those with wedding rings on. Sad, but true.

All of the romance novels, chick flicks and TV shows sell the lie that the real answer to finding contentment is to find a man or woman to make you happy, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Here is what I say about this in my book Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage:

A successful marriage is not the result of two empty souls finding each other in an attempt to “complete” each other. Two empty, unfulfilled souls who get married will just be a marriage of two empty, unfulfilled souls. A successful marriage is possible only when two complete and happy people get together for the purpose of building a life together. They do not need the other to be truly happy, complete or emotionally whole. They are already whole people who are joining together to enjoy the benefits of marriage. The Bible says that “two are better than one.” But that is only true if they are two healthy, emotionally stable, and complete human beings. If you are a single, miserable, lonely, incomplete, and hollow soul, for the love of God, do everyone a favor and get yourself whole before you get yourself married.

Countless marriages end in divorce for no other reason than people think that they aren’t happy. They move on and find another man or woman that they are just sure will be the one to bring them happiness…only to find out that after a while this new one isn’t doing the trick either. Some go from relationship to relationship or even from marriage to marriage and never learn that true happiness doesn’t come from another person.

For those of you who are divorced or divorcing, this really needs to sink in and you need to hear it. The fact of the matter is, in most cases, if husbands and wives could grasp the fact that the other person isn’t there to “make them happy”, if they weren’t so puking selfish and self-centered, and if they would stop expecting their spouse to make them deliriously happy all the time, they wouldn’t be divorcing in the first place! Needless to say, most don’t get it and instead, they travel down the divorce path certain that by dumping their spouse, they will find happiness.

Most people in this category (especially women) think they can end the pain from the previous relationship and the misery from the divorce by finding another person who will make them happy. The carnage and scattered debris from the last train wreck hasn’t even been cleaned up and they are running into the next disaster. I often hear of men and women who are still in the process of divorcing, or at best, the ink is barely dry on the paper and they are entangled in a new romance…and dragging their kids along through all of it.

You need to slow down people. A new boyfriend or girlfriend, a new lover, a new spouse isn’t the solution. In fact, it will complicate things even more and you will be so caught up in your feelings—and probably sexually involved—that you won’t see straight. (See the post “Sex Makes You Stupid” for more information on that subject.) Take the time to heal, to get whole, and if there are kids involved you need to be there for them and focused on them…not out dating!

The Bible is very clear that God is to be the source of our happiness. It’s idolatry if you are making another person the “god” of your contentment. Whether you are currently married or single, the answer is the same: Don’t look to a man or to a woman for your happiness. Learn to be filled with joy and complete in your faith, because if you can’t be happy without someone, you will never be happy with someone either.

Here is a scenario to help illustrate what I’m talking about:  A wife is texting and emailing very personal, sexually charged and inappropriate things back and forth with a guy from work. She is also meeting this guy alone for coffee and lunch. When her husband talks to her and challenges her on this, she fires back, “You can’t tell me who I can be friends with and what I can and can’t do! You are just trying to control me!” And then he feels bad and backs down.

Or maybe it’s a husband who goes out drinking and partying with his friends several nights a week till the wee hours of dawn and when his wife confronts him, he shouts ”You are a control freak!  You can’t tell me when I can come and go in my own house!” Then she thinks she’s wrong and just lets it go because she surely doesn’t want to be controlling. Are you kidding me?!

I am stunned at how many people in bad marriages just shut up and empower the other person because they fear the charge of being a controller. Whenever you have a badly behaving spouse, there is always an enabler who is weak and insecure and all the badly behaving spouse has to do is accuse the weaker one of being controlling, jealous or insecure, and they win.

Listen to me people, these are not bad words, but too often we freak out and act like they are as bad as the “f” word for heaven sake. Instead of recoiling and feeling awful when someone says you are “just trying to control me”, you need to look them dead in the eye and reply, “Yes!  I most definitely am.”

Sadly, most people don’t think it’s a compliment, rather they come all unglued…especially women, but sometimes guys do too…when they are labeled as controlling, jealous and insecure.  First of all you need to understand that if you are not in control, your life will get out of control. Do you want your life to be out of control? Most of us would say no.

So then why on earth do we take it as an insult rather than a compliment? Do not fear that phrase; wear it as a badge of honor. The next time you say something about your spouses over-the-line behavior and he or she tells you that you are just trying to control them, smile and say, “Oh, thank you! I’m trying to get some control in my life!”

We live in a world filled with control and it’s a good thing. It would be like you getting pulled over by the cops for going 85 m.p.h. in a 25 m.p.h. speed zone. Would you yell at the officer, “You are just trying to control me!” Yes, he is controlling you because he is trying to keep bad things from happening. He’s trying to keep you from destroying and hurting yourself or other people. You are breaking the law and just like in marriage when you are “breaking the law” someone needs to step in and stop you from destroying or hurting yourself, your marriage and other people.

God gives us the ability to have control. The Holy Spirit gives us the power to say no to what’s wrong and destructive in life. We need control and must have it. You are truly becoming a person of real faith when you understand that you need control.

These three words, control, jealous and insecure can all have derogatory meanings, but not every use is bad and evil. For instance scripture tells us that God himself is jealous. How can that be a bad thing? And aren’t we supposed to be like our father in heaven?  Here is the definition from the dictionary for the word jealous: intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; vigilant in maintaining or guarding something.

Shouldn’t we be intolerant of unfaithfulness and vigilant in guarding our marriages? The word has been hijacked in our culture and something is wrong when we come to believe that being jealous is always a bad and evil thing. Now, if you think that every other person from the age of 5 to 95 is a constant threat to your marriage, that is crazy jealous!  But if you are protective of your marriage, you will be jealous and guard it. I hope most people are smart enough to figure out the difference here.

But badly behaving people use these words as a sledgehammer rather than the good and righteous way they can be used. The word insecure of course can be undesirable, as in a weak and insecure person lacking in confidence in him or her self.  Actually, the very people who back down because they are being called insecure are, in fact…insecure!  But there is a high side to the word. Again, back to the dictionary definition: not adequately guarded or sustained.

Here we are again with the guarding. If my wife is going out with other guys, pussyfooting about town I have a newsflash for you: I am going to be insecure about my marriage!  Her behavior is causing the insecurity because our marriage is not being adequately guarded or sustained. So when she accuses me of being insecure, my answer would be, “Yes, ma’am, I am. Thank you very much! You’re gallivanting around is creating insecurity. And, I am also jealous and am intolerant of unfaithfulness. Oh, and by the way… I’m controlling and trying to keep you from dating other men and ruining our marriage!” I would embrace the idea of control because without it, there is destruction and anarchy.

For some reason people have come to detest these words…especially the word control. Do you know who else hates control? Who else is for absolute anarchy and lawlessness? The devil. Satan himself is all about things being out of control and in total anarchy. So every time you bend and bow and let your spouse bully you into backing down, that spouse isn’t the only one who won and got away with it. The devil sits and laughs his butt off because you are also bowing to him every time, too. You are giving in and letting chaos rule in your marriage and the devil wins. Real people of faith understand they need control and don’t freak out every time they hear the word.

This is radical thinking. Control is not a curse word. It shows you are strong in your faith when you have control and allow control in your life. If you panic and implode at the thought of being called insecure, jealous or controlling, then you have bought into the twisted connotations of the words our culture has attached to them and you are not understanding that these can be righteous charter traits to have.

I know that this is going to really fire some people up, but seriously…save the keystrokes. Don’t bother writing to me to fill me in on all the psychological babble on the evils of control and how Dr. Oz and Oprah say it’s emotional abuse. I don’t want to hear it. I fully understand that there are some extreme cases out there where one spouse is actually psycho and keeps the keys and the phones, won’t let them have any money, they monitor every move and won’t allow the other person contact with family and friends. I get it…but most cases are not like the movie Sleeping With the Enemy where Julia Roberts has to make a break for it in the middle of the night because her husband is so deranged.

Hear what I’m saying and be realistic about this. I have all kinds of people around me, even beyond my wife, that help to “control” me and keep my life in order and it’s a needed and necessary thing. Just because there are lines, limitations and boundaries, because there is order and control doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. When it comes to marriage, as a husband, yes, I get to control my wife from seeing and dating other men! As my wife, yes, she gets to control me if I’m texting inappropriate things to other women or spending money like a drunken monkey. That’s marriage. I control her and she controls me.

If you don’t have control in your life, what do you get? Chaos and anarchy and they will destroy your life and your marriage.  Control is not evil. The lack of control and the intolerable and egregious behaviors of a misbehaving spouse is the evil.  We have it backwards in our culture today and in order for marriages to be strong, healthy and successful, we must start viewing control as a very good thing.

Most people think that the early stages of love—that chemically induced time of bliss and ease—will continue indefinitely. After all, they are “in love” and have found “the one” that will make the rest of their days as euphoric as the honeymoon phase.

But that’s not the way it works. The reality is this automatic phase is short-term (lasting six months to a couple of years) and when it fades away your marriage and your sex life must happen on purpose. You have date night on purpose. You plan to have sex on purpose. You make time for each other on purpose. Couples who don’t make the transition from automatic to intentional have marriages that suffer the most.

This is especially true when you become new parents. Now there is this new little creature that has come into your lives who consumes inordinate amounts of time and energy. Add another child or two and it’s easy to see how the auto-pilot can fly out the window. Couples start to struggle during this season of new responsibility because things aren’t as easy as they once were. They don’t have the time or they are too tired and often this is when husbands and wives will begin to think that the marriage isn’t working, or that it’s over.

This is a huge mistake to make. It’s not over, you just need to make the shift to being intentional in marriage and sex. In the real world and in the world of parenting the difference between couples who make it and those who don’t is intentionality. Parenthood means that your relationship doesn’t “just happen”, you make it happen. No one does automatic for a life time, it’s just not possible. Often when things change, people freak out. If pastors, mentors and counselors could get couples to understand and anticipate the change, to teach them to expect the unexpected, millions of marriages would be far better off.

I am a strong advocate for premarital education or coaching, yet it’s impossible at that time for couples to really grasp all they need to know about this crazy thing called marriage. It’s like trying to explain advanced mathematics to a drunk sitting in a bar! He may say, “Oh, sure I understand your theories and what you are saying!” when he actually has no clue and cannot possibly get it.

That’s why pastors and marriage mentors need to shift from putting all of their eggs in the basket of premarital instruction. Three sessions prior to the wedding just isn’t effective. They need to put in place a system of check points down the road when they get to the six month and one year marks. When the first child comes along or successive children join the brood, now you have the teaching moment and the information is going to be heard.  I recommend a yearly check-in for the first five years of a marriage.

That’s why it’s so important for couples to be part of a church where you can do life together…not just have a moment. The wedding ceremony is a moment, but marriage is a lifetime and we need to be there to help young couples do life right, to help them make this transition from automatic to intentional.

It’s like driving a slick modern car with smooth automatic transmission…pretty easy! But then you have to change and go to a manual clutch, like a semi truck with 16 gears, it’s still fun, but it’s not  automatic. You have to shift the gears to drive that vehicle on purpose. It’s still fun to drive the truck, just different. Likewise, marriage is still great, but when automatic stops and real life kicks in, you must learn to be intentional, spend time together, have sex and live life together on purpose.

When I grew up in the 60’s, young people rebelled against materialism and morality.  We said “Enough!!” and fought back against the establishment – an establishment we regarded as corrupt and clueless.  When it came to a war we thought unjust we chanted, “Hell no, we won’t go!!”  When it came to materialism we said, “We don’t want it!!”, and walked about with no shoes and holes in our jeans.  And when it came to traditional morality, we rejected it and gave ourselves to free sex, drugs and rock and roll.  It had an enduring impact on our nation.  And while the rejection of materialism was a positive reminder that there are more important things to life than possessions, the plunge into immorality has been devastating.

Today, four decades later, as I look at the Evangelical Christian Church (now as a pastor, husband, father and grandfather) I can’t help but believe we are in need of another revolution.  This time, however, we need a revolution among Christian young people – those who will go against the narcissistic thinking of their unspiritual Christian parents, a thinking that only leads to selfishness, materialism and a high divorce rate.

Our Christian young people are being destroyed today by a culture of sexual impurity – a poisonous trend that is not taken seriously enough by their clueless parents.  Our daughters rarely lay claim to being virgins on their wedding night and we have helped to produce an entire generation of young men who are porn addicts.  Our divorce rates are skyrocketing and, as a result, our grandchildren are being traumatized.

Sadly, biblical illiteracy is at an all time high.  As a result, most Christians are unaware that the Bible’s solution to sexual immorality among our young people is to simply encourage marriage (1 Cor 7).  But rather than obey the Bible, we have been polluted by a pagan culture that has convinced us that young marriage is a terrible thing.  Despite the fact that studies show the single greatest contributor to divorce is sexual activity before marriage, we foolishly ignore the dangers of sexual promiscuity and ignorantly treat it as no big deal.  “Don’t worry, Jesus will forgive you later…”  Rather than encourage purity, Christian parents encourage – no, they threaten their young people that if they marry too young they will punish them with all their strength: refuse to pay for college, refuse to pay for any wedding or even refuse to attend any such weddings.  These corrupted guardians, having been sufficiently polluted by the poison of the lust of this world, deliberately insist that their children first obtain what the Bible clearly warns them against: money, things, and the cares of this life.

“Don’t you DARE marry too young!!  You need an education first!! You need an established career first!”  Despite what Jesus taught, “You need to secure the cares of this life first and at all costs!!”

Follow Biblical teachings?  Ridiculous.

Make purity our highest priority?  Foolishness.

Serve God??  No way!!  Unless, of course, one considers money their true god.  In which case we need our education first.  Our careers first.  Our insurance plans and 401Ks first.  Our big house and flat screen TVs and BMWs first.  After all, we don’t want to offend the god of money…

Many Christian parents today have virtually zero concept of encouraging their children to put God first in their lives.  Are you kidding?! Most Christian parents don’t even tithe to their church.  Good grief, if we can’t even give a decent percentage of our money to God, why would we encourage our kids to put any effort towards putting God first in any other area?

Mormons put Evangelical Christians to shame.  Right out of high school, they encourage their young people to spend 2 years in service to God before pursuing their dreams.  Can you imagine an Evangelical church doing that?  Can you imagine the hell a pastor would pay if he encouraged the young people in his congregation to delay their plans and serve in the mission field first?  Delay college?!  Delay gratification?!!  Actually put God first?!!!  Outrageous!!!!

I fear most Christian parents today have been so poisoned – by the love of money, by the pride of life, by the cares of this world – that there is little hope of getting them to do the right thing concerning their young adults.  Most, if they were to read this post, would dismiss these thoughts almost as quickly as they could read them.  No, our hope does not lie in their potential enlightenment and eventual repentance.  Our hope lies somewhere else.  We need another revolution.  We need a revolution from the young.  But this time, rather than rebelling against materialism and morality, we need them to rebel against materialism and IMMorality.

This is not to say that earning a good income is not important.  And a college education may be the right path for them.  But the thinking must be God first, morality first, service first.  Besides, if there is one lesson people should be learning in the present economy is that certain career, savings, investments, and 401Ks are an illusion.  Better our young people pursue those things that can never be taken away from them or lost in a bad economy.

We need young people who will have enough of God in them to say “Hell no, we won’t go!”  “We don’t need all this stuff!!”  “We are going to take time and put God first.”  “Instead of losing our virginity and becoming porn addicts, we are going to marry young.”  “If you won’t pay for college, fine.  You won’t pay for the wedding, so be it.”  We need young people who will rise up and as respectfully as possible, tell their clueless Christian parents to “stick it”!  (Again, as respectfully as possible.)

Jesus warned that on judgment day many would say “Lord, lord…”, but will be shocked when he responds, “Sorry, I don’t know you.”  (Matt 7)  I can’t help but think that at the very front of that line will be 21st Century, so-called Christian parents who are more concerned that their kids make money than stay pure and honor God.

Jesus asked the question, “When the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on the earth?” (Luke 18) He never answered the question.

Will there be faith when Jesus returns?  I am not sure the answer will be yes.  Unless our youth rebel against their spiritually cold, materialist and morally clueless parents, I fear the answer may well be ”no”.

We need a revolution.

Many people make resolutions beginning January 1st to improve themselves and their lives.  Lots of us make promises to eat less and exercise more, or to pray and read the bible more and watch TV less. All good things…and they would be even better if we could actually stick to them beyond Valentine’s Day! But here is an idea for a resolution: Be thankful.

Let’s start by looking at an example from scripture of what being thankful actually looks like. In Luke 17 we find the account of Jesus healing the ten lepers. As most people are well aware, leprosy was a horrible disease at the time. It was incurable and caused people to be completely separated and isolated from everyone…including their own spouse, family and friends. Therefore, when these ten guys heard this man was healing people, they wanted in on the deal and made their way to see him crying out loudly for Jesus to have mercy upon them.

And Jesus did…although I’m sure they were quite surprised when he told them to go show themselves to the priests. Jesus didn’t pray for them, touch them, spit on them, or anything like he had in some of the other miracles he performed. I bet that wasn’t exactly what these guys expected. By the way, it’s a great lesson for us on how God often shows up in ways we least expect or understand. Don’t get discouraged and give up just because it’s not exactly what you want. Scripture says if you seek, you will find him…but it’s usually not when or how we think it should be.

So all ten guys went to see the priests and the bible tells us “as they went, they were cleansed” yet, only one of the men came back to Jesus when he saw he was healed. Only one praised God in a loud voice and fell at Jesus’ feet with thankfulness.  Were all ten thankful for their healing? Undoubtedly, they were!  They had just been given their lives back. Their death sentence had been pardoned and they must have felt extraordinarily grateful. Yet, Jesus commended the one who actually acted thankful by expressively showing the gratitude he felt.  Jesus measured who was thankful by what they did, not by what they felt.

The simple truth is this: We aren’t judged on what we feel, rather we are judged by what we do. American’s have a hard time with this and we deceive ourselves into thinking as long as we have good intentions, good thoughts, good feelings, then it’s all that matters.  As people of faith we must break out of this crazy thinking that says what you feel is more important that what you do. (Read the following posts for more on not living by feelings:
Jesus Was Not a Hypocrite,  Learning to Say No,  It’s Dangerous for Men to Follow Their Feelings.)

So as we head into 2012, really examine yourself. Do you show your thankfulness by what you do? If you are so grateful, let me ask you, do you attend church regularly? Do you give? Do you serve? If you are truly thankful, then show it by what you do. I hear from many people who watch our Sunday morning services on TV from Celebration Church. When I ask them why they don’t come to church the most common response is I don’t feel like getting dressed. Seriously!? Do you think that God is going to buy the “jammie defense”? Imagine standing before The Almighty and explaining to him that you were too comfortable to get out of your flannel PJs and get off the couch.  Remember, on judgment day God will measure what you have done, not what you felt.

Demonstrate your thankfulness by attending, getting involved in areas of service, by giving of your time and money. Too many people live by the line of thinking, “I don’t have to go to church, or give or serve because God knows I feel thankful.” Do you want to be like the nine guys who didn’t come back to show their gratitude to Jesus or do you want to be like the one guy who did? All felt it, but only one acted on it.

In the second chapter of the book of James, he asks the question: What good is it if someone claims to have faith, but has no deeds. Can such a faith save him? In America today, most people would answer “yes”, all that matters is that you feel it or believe it. But their answer would be wrong. James implies that it’s not enough.  He said it’s more than just believing—even the devil believes—and it’s not just about feeling. It’s about acting on those beliefs and feelings. We need to live out our thankfulness in our actions.

Some of us never say it and need to simply start there. Thank God. Thank the people around you. It won’t kill you to look at your spouse and say, “Thank you for all that you do.”  But then we need to go beyond saying it and actually do things to show our thankfulness…to God and to our spouses and families.  We need to be the kind of people who show it and constantly demonstrate it by what we do. John 3:16 says God showed his love for us by giving his son. It wasn’t just about his feelings or what he said, but also by what he did. Jesus didn’t stop at feelings of love for us, or saying he loved us, he demonstrated that love.

In 2012, let’s follow that example. Let’s not just feel or say we are thankful. Resolve to be thankful.

Now, there may be a variety of reasons for this. For some people, it is the first year since a loved one has passed away, which makes for sadness. Others experience the whole season being separated by many miles from their family and friends either because of job situations, military commitments or just because they can’t make it home for any given reason.

Some of the things that cause people to be unhappy at Christmas time cannot be helped and they are quite reasonable sources for sad or melancholy feelings. But many people are upset and stressed out during this season by their own doing. And by far, the largest culprit in this is unrealistic expectations of what they think Christmas is supposed to be like.

Please don’t get me wrong, I am not a scrooge. I love Christmas and the whole season, but we must remember to keep it in check. People get so caught up in the hustle and bustle, the buying and spending, and the dreams and illusions of what the media tells us we must do and have for it to be the “perfect holiday”, that we lose the real joy that can be a part of celebrating the season.

First, dial down your emotional expectations. Realistically, keep in mind that the same kids who drive you crazy all the other months of the year will not become the angelic cherubs of fantasy just because it’s Christmas time. Your family—including your in-laws—that make you want to pull your hair out January through November won’t suddenly become the cast of “The Walton’s Family Christmas”. (Actually, they will probably be more like the Griswold family from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation!)

There is no magic Christmas snow with sparkling and glittery pixie dust mixed in that will turn your gatherings into something off a Norman Rockwell poster or a Currier and Ives greeting card. But fear not, just because the season is fraught with pitfalls, perils and problems, there is still greatness to be found and fun to be had.

Enjoy the insanity, laugh at the lunacy and keep a sense of humor about whole thing.
Like when your hot tub burns down on Christmas Day as ours did last year! For some people it would have ruined their whole day to have fire trucks and flames decorating their lawn…but we found it quite hilarious.

Second, scale back the spending spree. That alone will help reduce the stress for a lot of people. Don’t be blowing money like drunken monkeys thinking you have to buy everything for your kids or your family. Especially if you don’t have the finances to do it and you’re running up credit cards that you will be enslaved to for the next twelve months. That’s not exactly what people mean when they say you should celebrate the Christmas spirit year round! The financial stress shouldn’t haunt you for the entire year until you finally get it paid off—only to start the madness again next December.

Keep it in perspective; keep in mind the reason we are celebrating and what this season is all about. It’s not about the perfect tree, which kid has the biggest pile of gifts, or a family gathering so blissful that the “Hallelujah Chorus” is playing in the background.

Take a deep breath, check your expectations, and remember the very first Christmas. I know we romanticize and idealize the whole nativity scene, but in reality, it was not the most ideal of circumstances. This young woman had to try to sell the whole story for her pregnancy to her family and fiancé—who even wanted to leave her at first. I’m sure for months Mary faced the deluge of questions from the people around her as they didn’t quite buy the “an angel told me” story. Was there gossip? Shame? Ridicule? Then when the birth of the baby was eminent, Joseph and a very pregnant Mary traveled for days on a donkey just because some goofy government edict required it. On top of that, they couldn’t find any place to stay but a stable, and she ended up delivering the baby Jesus in a barn, filled with animal and stink and caca. (Most of us come unglued if we get lost on a detour on the way to Grandma’s house on Christmas Day! How could we have ever survived this level of inconvenience?)

Again, not the most glorious and ideal situation…yet the glory and love of God still abounded. God himself could not possibly have been any more real and present than he was in the midst of these unpleasant surroundings and circumstance.

So too, can your Christmas be filled with the love and joy of Jesus in the midst of the stink and caca. Remember, it’s not the ideal circumstance that makes for the ideal Christmas. Laugh and keep a sense of humor. Celebrate and enjoy your blessings. Be nice and love those around you. Even if your crazy cousin comes, the tree won’t light up, you don’t get all the presents you dreamed of, your kids argue and get on your very last nerve, your mother-in-law tells you for the hundredth time how to make a ham so it’s not so dry…or you ignite your hot tub!

Merry Christmas!

The other phrase that is repeated over and over again until it, too, has become accepted “doctrine” is “God loves you just the way you are.” Wrong!! God loves you in spite of the way you are!

He loves you when you are broken and in sin. He loves you when your life is a disaster, if you’ve committed adultery, are lost in addictions, or cheating and lying up a storm. It’s not that God doesn’t love you, he does… but he expects you to change.
We need to repent, to grow, to mature as Christians. But when people mistakenly say, “God loves you just the way you are”, what is either spoken or implied is the caveat that you don’t have to change.

Words have meaning and by using this oft-repeated phrase, we’ve created a generation of Christians who do nothing to please God, simply because they don’t think they have to. They think that God is there to please them.  Most think, “I said the prayer. I’m covered.” But they are still committing adultery, looking at porn, cheating, lying, and not going to church, or giving of their time or money.  After all, they believe, “It doesn’t matter what I do…God loves me unconditionally…just the way I am.”  It’s broken theology.

This maligned concept of Christianity is the very reason why so many marriages stink. Quite simply, people are taking their bad theology into their marriages, where they think there are no requirements, no consequences, and no conditions. They expect that the same “unconditional love” that they mistakenly believe God has for them applies in their marital relationship too.  The worst marriages on earth are those that one or both spouses buy into this broken thinking.

These are the marriages where women think they can have “boyfriends” and guys think they can have “girlfriends” that they hang out with, text message with, go to dinner with and they say, “No one can tell me who I can and can’t be friends with!”  The marriages where spouses will spend money, not pay their bills, not save for their kid’s college, because, “I want to buy a boat or spend it on a new wardrobe and nobody can tell me what I can and can’t do with my money.” These are the sort of people that stay out till all hours of the night and come home whenever they feel like it stating that, “No one is going to control me.” They demand that their spouse loves them without condition and are simply living out their broken theology in the home.

They reason that God loves them unconditionally, so the rest of the world must love them unconditionally, too. No matter how selfish and boorish they behave, there can be no conditions. Their spouse is to love them no matter what. They think they are passionate about God, they say they are growing in their faith when they are not. They are deceiving themselves.  All because they believe the lie that love is to be “unconditional”.

When we look at our marriages what we really see is a reflection of what our theology is and where our faith is. People think their marriage is a disaster despite their faith, but I argue it’s a disaster because of their faith.  Because their version of faith is “it’s all about me.” People like this think, “I want to be happy no matter what. God loves me no matter what. There are no conditions, I can do anything I want.”

Like the recent email I received about the guy who goes to church and praises God, but is mad his wife because she won’t let him have girlfriends. He was indignant that she would tell him who he could be friends with! How dare she do that! Why?  Because of his reasoning, “God loves me just the way I am.” Therefore, his wife should too.  Okay…you go with that, sir. Take that into eternity; see how that works for you. See if when you get up there God says, “I love you just the way you are, you don’t have to change.”

I’m afraid a lot of people are going to be in for a shock. Listen, I’m not being judgmental, I’m just telling you the truth. Your marriage reflects your theology and your faith. If you can’t live it at home, you can’t live it. If your relationship is suffering, if it stinks, check your thinking. It may be more about your bad theology than your bad marriage.